While I'm still sane: Diary of Me

You and I, we were born to die

2012-02-06T01:03:00.000Z

I actually love how this happens, I'll just be oblivious to all the hype about a particular artist and then I'll decide to give it a listen before deciding HEEY This is reaally good!

Today or rather a few days ago I experienced that with Lana Del Ray and her "debut" album Born To Die. I say debut but really there was an album before apparently and was pulled or something like that.

Anyway for me music isn't about being the perfect singer or anything as for me the delivery and how you come across on the microphone and the lyrics will mean more to me than singing in perfect tune and melody ever could. I think that's why I'm hooked on artists such as The-Dream, The Weeknd and their kind of music as opposed to people like Usher because of the picture they can paint with their delivery and words.

Anyway with Lana Del Ray, I came into the album without any expectations and was...pleasantly surprised. Her breathless delivery, haunting melody and times of ecstasy just sends me into another world and has me hypnotised from the first verse of 'Born To Die' all the way to the last note on 'This Is What Makes Us Girls' (and even through the bonus songs as well) and I really enjoyed it.

I'm still not feeling Video Games but maybe sooner or later it will grow on me as it was the only single that I knew from her, in fact it was the only song that I knew from her and I hadn't even heard the song, simply saw it in the Top 40 one week and that was it, I didn't think I'd actually listen to the song but yeah it hasn't grown on me but there is still time.

She reminds me of Ellie Goulding and Marina and The Diamonds in that I'm eagerly awaiting their next album and that I want more of them but knowing that it will not be anytime soon if ever...and now I wish I hadn't reminded myself about Marina and The Diamonds as I reeeeeally enjoyed The Family Jewels...I think I need to give that another listen now.

So Born To Die is definitely is going to be my contender for album of the year and several songs will make my shortlist of top songs but hey, there's still the rest of the year to go

Yes you totally are a bi- I mean witch

2012-02-05T01:37:00.001Z

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, choo. Freezing cold weather isn't cool whatsoever.

The weather has gotten colder than usual as of late which quite frankly makes mornings a bit of a pain seeing as the heating in my room doesn't actually work or anything so yeah.

I really ought to go to sleep earlier and thus wake up earlier because there is always so much to do in the day and waking up earlier would solve a lot of these...timing problems but the problem is not much really happens until night so up I stay.

So what else has been happening? Not much just the same routine really. Found out Phoenix Wright 5 has been confirmed so I look forward to that but it's probably going to be a continuation of the Apollo Justice story which I'm not too pleased about seeing as I found his story to not really be all that interesting but I guess we'll wait and see.

Finished the story of Bayonetta so that's another to my list but now it's all about getting the achievements if I can before locking the game up away forever like Dante's Inferno, Final Fantasy XIII, Sonic Generations and other 100% completed games.

I had heard about Bayonetta and it had received critical acclaim so I decided to try it (plus the fact that I purchased it nearly a year ago and just hadn't gotten round to playing it) and I wouldn't say I was surprised but it really was enjoyable fun.

The controls were easy and simple to get used to and could lead to many combinations while fighting and thus getting into it was incredibly easy. Torture sequences and Wicked weave attacks were glorious to watch and fun to execute and the dialogue and cut scenes were another thing of beauty with all their references to other games and that.

If there was a downside to it from my experience was that the story wasn't exactly easy to follow when starting and a lot of the times I was thinking "what on earth is going on? Wait, what's my journey about anyway" and the questions aren't really answered until the final chapter and by then it was a bit too late to really care and simply just wanted to complete the game especially when I was sooo close to it (incidentally, why is it I only ever seem to finish games late at night, why can't I finish a game at a nice time like in the middle of day or something).

So yeah asides from that it was really fun to play though some of the Alfheim chapters were frustrating as hell and I haven't even finished them all yet. I look forward to trying to complete the game on the hardest of hard mode (Climax mode) and no doubt that will be my last achievement on the game so then I can put the game down.

I just hope that on the final boss it isn't too frustrating and I end up physically not being able to complete it a la I Want To Be The Guy. I'm still annoyed about that to this day.

Case for the defence

2012-01-26T01:18:00.001Z

So basically you want to know why I deserve to play for Charlton? I will tell you exactly why I should play for Charlton.

Where to begin...well okay that last match I feel was terrible, no doubt about it but everyone has bad games sometimes.

Anyway for starters I should be playing because I can make things happen. I have the potential to win games. Case in point but when we played I believe it was Mottingham and the game was one all for the whole match and even with 2 minutes left as both teams were settling for a point each I snatched the ball and dribbled past two players and was calm enough to find a teammate who was in a better position than me to score the winning goal and I unselfishly squared him up.

You see, goals and assists means very little to me as it doesn't mean you had a good performance nor does it mean you had a bad one. So while I may not be leading the goals or assist charts, I feel the contribution I bring to the team is irreplaceable. The team we have now are unsure, rash and cannot use their heads more often than not so I feel what I bring is calmness and assurance to the team. I will seldom panic when on or off the ball and always use whatever I can to make the most of a bad situation.

My passing and especially my link up play is a whole lot better than the majority of players in the team. I can dribble comfortably and while I may be criticized for holding onto the ball for too long, there are mainly two reasons for this. The first being that no-one else makes the right movements meaning I have to hold onto the ball a bit longer as I cannot pass it to them because they are in a terrible position that passing it to them is pointless (case in point, last game in the second half I had the ball and yet two people were making exactly the same run directly into the penalty box with no attempt at a diagonal run to draw defenders away if not for me but for themselves thus I had to hold onto the ball a while longer and eventually resulted in a weak strike at the goal but the only shot in the second half).

The second reason why I may hold onto the ball slightly longer is because I don't trust certain people to not lose the ball or waste it even under absolutely no pressure. Yes this sounds arrogant but I don't believe I am because the facts speak for themselves.

What else? Oh yes finishing, it may not be evident due to not scoring many goals but if given the chance I have the calmness and can finish off chances that I get. Case in point, when we won 7-0 or something like that recently before the new year and I had a hamstring injury in the match and yet I still managed to control a cross, dribble pass 2 players and have the composure to slot the ball in the back of the net for my first goal and control another cross and rifle the ball in the back of the net. It also speaks volumes that even with an injury restricting me heavily I was still able to put in a better performance than many others.

I could go on and on really especially as I haven't even begun to mention my intelligence, vision, my wiliness to pass it backwards or sideways which some people just cannot do, my ability to create space for myself.

Sure you can mention the weak parts of my game but they are only weak because I do not have the proper support or anything like that. The common one I hear is getting back to defend and I grow tired of hearing that. I will work on that no doubt but two things to remember about that and the first is that, if we knew how to hold on the ball a lot better I and whoever else is playing in the middle or on the wing wouldn't be caught out of position so often because someone cannot play a simple pass or hold onto the ball better. The other thing is, I try and drop back if someone else is pushing up forward but undoubtedly I believe that most of the times because of my traits and skills the person who should be attacking most of the times should be me anyway especially as I'm an attacking midfielder and not a box to box one. My style of play is like a number ten and while I don't wish to seem arrogant again but asking me to drop back and play like a defensive midfielder is like asking someone like Jack Wilshere, Andreas Iniesta, Steven Gerrard and Wayne Rooney to a lesser extent to play defensive midfielder. They can do that and they can do a decent job of it as well but it's a waste of their skills when they could be contributing so much more to the team.

Yes this was long but you asked me to justify why I should be playing for the team. You don't have to agree with it or not but everything I've said is the truth. I have no purpose to lie and deceive about this matter. If we were professionals and if we were on Match of the Day, I've no doubt the exact same things would be said.

It’s almost as if this is being read…

2012-01-24T21:46:00.001Z

Well what was the purpose of that? It...I don't know...it hardly seemed worth the effort. I mean what was the plan? Just to say hi and that's it? Did you want me to put in all the effort in keeping the conversation going? You really did not give me much to work with when saying anything. I really don't mind talking but to expect me to do everything yet again is tiresome.

How's life? How's your work? What exactly so you do? How's the weather? How was my Christmas? Did Santa get you that unicycle you've always wanted for Christmas? How's Lee doing? All would have been viable questions to keep the conversation going and yet...nothing. For shame really, for shame.

Still, there's always next time and I do hope a better effort is made next time as I can be very nice and that when I've more to work with otherwise it just looks like I don’t care. But we'll see won't we.

Here we are

2012-01-22T02:22:00.001Z

How do I feel right now? I’m not even sure but I know I’m in a reflective mood about life. Now lets see, I am…22 and hmm how do I feel about life? Weary and tired but that’s when I then think “Okay, what can be done about it?” “What am I going to do to change that?”

The truth is that I just don’t know anymore. I had so many plans and dreams but I guess I was stopped along the way by myself.

But what of your life now? Well for starters I think the question is do I feel appreciated?

I…don’t think I do feel it, I don’t feel like I’m appreciated enough. I don’t feel that the things I do are really recognised and that certain people only want to look at the bad side of me.

Nah don’t worry I’m not really annoyed with it, just observing and understanding that people will always be people. People will always want to put emphasis on my flaws…in fact not just me but everybody else’s too.

I’m not going to lie I have a million “flaws” and all but I’m content in that because of three things and that is that nobody is perfect, everybody has a different idea of flaws and that I’m happy with the way I am really, content even.

What brought all this on? Well pretty much, people have been getting on my nerves and like I mentioned earlier, I don’t really feel appreciated.

It’s also annoying when a simple “hello” would be nice or even a reply or anything but nothing…I guess you still have a certain idea of me which is a shame really but this is just another reason why I dislike humans.

2011 awards

2012-01-09T01:23:00.001Z

2011 in music was quite a good year, as well as discovering newer artists there were quite a few old artists coming out with new amazing songs.

Anyway this is my top 40 favourite songs of 2011. This was quite hard to do as you have to remember favourite doesn’t necessarily mean best and that to be honest some of the positions are interchangeable.

I also had to exclude songs that I may have first for the first time this year but they were release ages ago otherwise I would have to put songs from Lykke Li in this list but ah well.

40-31

40- Welcome To My Hood- DJ Khaled ft Rick Ross, Plies, Lil’ Wayne and T-Pain

39- Martians vs Goblins-Game ft Lil’ Wayne and Tyler The Creator

38- Lord Knows- Drake ft Rick Ross

37- Marvin’s Room/Buried Alive- Drake ft Kendrick Lamar

36- The Ballad Of Mona Lisa- Panic! At The Disco

35- HiiiPower- Kendrick Lamar

34- Gotta Have It- Jay-Z and Kanye West

33- Champagne Showers- LMFAO ft Natalia Kills

32- Tip The Scale- The Roots ft Dice Raw

31- Ronald Reagan Era- Kendrick Lamar ft RZA

30-21

30- Fuck Your Ethnicity- Kendrick Lamar

29- Burn- Killer Mike

28- House Of Balloons/Glass Table Girls- The Weeknd

27- The Reunion- Bad Meets Evil

26- Sabotage- Wale ft Lloyd

25- Headlines- Drake

24- The Birds Part 1- The Weeknd

23- Blow My High (Members Only)- Kendrick Lamar ft Pimp C

22- Yonkers- Tyler The Creator

21- Marvin Gaye & Chardonnay- Big Sean ft Kanye West and Roscoe Dash

20-11

20- Give Me Everything (Tonight)- Pitbull ft Ne-Yo, Afrojack and Nayer

19- Novacane- Frank Ocean

18- I Miss You- Beyonce

17- A Kiss- Bad Meets Evil

16- Animal- Yelawolf ft Fefe Dobson

15- Electric Chapel- Lady Gaga

14- Set Fire To The Rain- Adele

13- The OtherSide- The Roots ft Bilal and Greg Porn

12- Joaquin Phoenix- Lupe Fiasco ft Lil’ Ronnie

11- Lost Ones- J Cole

10-1

10- Ric Flair- Killer Mike

9- That Way- Wale ft Rick Ross and Jeremih

8- 6 Foot, 7 Foot- Lil’ Wayne ft Cory Gunz

7- Form Of Flattery- The-Dream

6- High For This- The Weeknd

5- Interlude- Lil’ Wayne ft Tech N9ne and Andre 3000

4- Sleep- The Roots ft Aaron Livingston

3- No Church In The Wild- Jay-Z and Kanye West ft Frank Ocean and The-Dream

2- Words I Never Said- Lupe Fiasco ft Skylar Grey

1- Niggas In Paris- Jay-Z and Kanye West

Distance

2011-12-11T12:37:00.001Z

It's difficult really, I really have no clue anymore about certain stuff. It's annoying because I miss you and miss chatting to you and can't help the feeling that you resent me or something even though I know it isn't true (hopefully).

I don't know what it is you think of me but I just feel really bad how I've been with you and stuff and what makes me feel even worse is that I'm bad with things like that. Without prodding from the other person I will neglect them, not because I don't care or anything like that but because I'm too in love with myself. I'm too into myself and not just that I keep myself to myself a lot.

I have plenty of friends that I haven't spoke to in a long time but it's really because I haven't seen them in a while. I could text or email them or whatever but that doesn't have the same feel as actually being there in person and I think that's what's happened here, that I'm...I dunno incapable of really making that effort of really keeping up but just know it's not intentional or anything like that and that I'm really just, I don't know...sorry I guess.

A slippery slope

2011-12-10T13:35:00.001Z

Get me down, it's like things are conspiring to do just that or is just my imagination? Who knows, but anyway...must remain positive and all that.

So I was thinking at work at how did I end up here doing this...in a job where I deal with people when lets face it, humans aren't very high up on my "things I like" list but alas here I am dealing with them.

I guess when you deal with customers or about nearly anything in life the negative experiences tend to stick out more than the positive ones but there's something that bugs me right now and that is that in relation to what I mentioned earlier and that is that I can feel myself slipping...

I tell you what though, I reeeeeeally am not looking forward to life when I get older...assuming I live that long.

My book of rhymes

2011-12-09T12:33:00.001Z

Okay here we go. So I'm listening to some Blueprint 3 outtakes and then I thought about the time I was just writing songs and then I went over to check some of them and then I was reminded of why I never really finish it, simply because I will look at a line or something while I'm in a different mindset that I originally thought was pretty good and then I think "What. The. Fuck. Was. That". I never know how to feel about some lines, whether to think "ohh that was pretty good to me" or "hmm, I don't like that line now". I can't completely reject them as that was my mindset at the time but ahh well. Maybe I should get back into it and actually really put thought into it but I know that's never really going to happen heh.

Oh really?

2011-11-25T00:33:00.001Z

Memo to self: Must keep updating this

Lurking…

2011-11-13T09:46:00.000Z

First off, let me just say that I think you may overthink things just a little too much, however do not take it as a bad thing as being paranoid and fearful keeps you on your toes and stops you from getting too comfortable. However...there really is no room for error, you know what must be done, you really do have to give it your all.
But...what can I do? What exactly is my perspective and what do I bring? What makes me unique? You know how it is...But I think the rewards and benefits blinded me too much and temporarily prevented me from seeing...well...IT.

Yeah, you can be a force even as a background player you can be a force, all that is needed is for you to make the right moves, is to think, think and think. Take your time, do not rush or force it, it will happen and to a level that you are comfortable with too.
Just keep doing what you do and go above and beyond.

The Rivalry

2011-11-12T09:41:00.001Z

I've been playing Pro Clubs with Kalid recently and as fun as it is I can't help feel the need to be better than him (nothing personal) at everything football related because I love football that much that anyone slightly or who believes themselves to be equal in level to me I have to go out of my way to prove them wrong and that no, I am and always will be better than you.

So anyway even on Fifa on Head to Head Seasons I made sure that I was in a higher division and that my Virtual Pro was better because that's just me, competitive when I want to be. Hahaha oh boy...I suppose some might see that as being pathetic but you know what, I don't care at all hahahaha.

Okay so onto actual football...Eamon...urgh fuck that, I'm not going to let him be better at me at that. It's not even that I'm worried about competition or whatnot or that I'm worried that my throne would be usurped because let's face it, a presidential run would be boring without a couple of assassination attempts to go with it.

In fact that's the only reason I'm at this point, because when you're the best without any challenge...you start to become a little lax, there's no excitement in being undisputed number one, sure the praise is nice and all but personally I need that challenge and it's all about the journey for me.

So yeah I guess at the moment Eamon is better than me but he has the advantage of being fitter and that's is all. I feel...no, I KNOW for a fact that if objectively we were both playing at our peak with nothing holding us back then I would be the victor and he would know it.

So what's the plan now Jason?

To become the best player if only amongst the people I know and oh ho ho believe me, it's going to happen. I really do have to thank Nike for that, ever since playing that 5 a side tournament I realise how good I used to be and how far I've fallen...or at least how far I allowed myself to do so...hahaha...oh my gosh, I am so so pumped up for this, two months, nothing but solid workout and practise for two months and I'll gauge my level then but believe me if I get to optimum strength, weight and shape then I will in fact be the greatest.

What's funny is I don't even need to be the fastest or strongest or any of that business because that is not my game at all.

My game involves trickery, lies and deceit...huh...in other situations maybe I shouldn't be so proud to say that but in this case I actually am proud to say that...my game doesn't revolve around me being faster than the defender or being stronger than the defender or any of that business because most of the times that means nothing if they have the drop on you and they have the better position.

I liken it to attacking a fortress on a mountain. It doesn't matter how well trained or how much fitter or stronger your army is, you will always be at a disadvantage. It's the same with football, you may have the ball but it is so much easier (still hard, not trying to put down defending) to dispossess someone than it is for them to get past you in a favourable position.

Anyway like I said, my game involves trickery via use of my skills and bag of tricks like the elastico, stepovers, fake rabonas and my personal favourite, the scoop turn all of which I rarely use these days.

The lies involved in my game basically involves convincing the defender that they are better than me, that they are faster or stronger or whatnot simply so that they let their guard down and that's it when I kick them in the metaphorical crotch and gut punch them in the metaphorical kidney and then proceed to laugh while I do it...gah I love being a jerk.

And finally the deceit which involves me selling them a whole bunch of goodies which are in fact totally bogus...haha oh my goodness, the thrill of selling a defender a dummy and then just saying bye when you blitz past them while they are wrong-footed, that just sends chills down my spine and gives me goosebumps.

There is nothing quite honestly like dropping your shoulder one way and convincing them that the ball is within their reach (though that's more of a lie) and that they can just stick a leg out to nip that ball away from me but you know something? You just got nutmegged, thank you and goodnight.

The Immortals

2011-11-11T09:37:00.001Z

Immortality, take it or leave it? The obvious answer is no, who wants to live forever? Not being able to die isn't a good thing and I somewhat agree. I mean I'm not even afraid of death but at the same time that's not to say I welcome it at all but the only time I would take an immortality deal is if I had the option of dying whenever I wanted because living forever even past the demise of the earth be it by humans or from the sun and then what? You wander around doing what exactly? Progress comes to a stand still so there's nothing new to do and that would mean no excitement or anything like that.

Anyway I often wonder about death and I suppose what frightens me the most is the thought of not being able to do everything I wanted to do before I die and the fact that there is so much to do and see but inevitably there is so little time to do it in.

But alas, I shouldn't be thinking of things like that now as it makes me depressed and I've had enough depression during the winter to last me a lifetime so I try not to think about it.

Illusions

2011-11-10T09:32:00.001Z

Now work has been very interesting, it...seems to just get better and better, I'm starting to understand more and more about it and the people I work with are seriously an amazing group of people.

Especially the people I work with on the first floor, I've never seen such a good bunch of people to work with and to be honest I feel I need to step my game up, not because I feel left behind or that I'm behind but because I'm actually inspired to achieve more.

I don't know whether that's a sad thing that so far I've not really felt that way in any other group I've been with...although...thinking about it...yeah that's another post. Anyway...

So yeah, amazing bunch of people and it worries me especially people say I'm "nice", "helpful" and "generous"...hmm maybe worry is the wrong word here, least of all it amuses me as I know people that know me to be the complete opposite but ah well what can I do except be myself and if people take it one way and others take it another then ah well...

WHAT THE FUCK!?

2011-11-10T00:29:00.001Z

THAT’S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED AT ALL!

My goals were a lot better than described…ehh fuck it. I don’t care…it’s to be expected.

The return of the soundproof rooms

2011-11-09T02:29:00.001Z

Well then, it's been a while for a lot of things and another time of serious reflection, firstly about this time of the year and how this is usually the point of the year where something bad happens and it pretty much sums up the whole year and it makes the winter months very very unpleasant but so far I've avoided anything major like that but alas I suppose I should count the fact that my right hearing aid is now gone...and it worries me, the silence doesn't bother me at all, now that I think about it, if I wanted to live the rest of my life in total silence I'd be okay with that but the thing is with this mishap is that it's always been a choice for me. To have sound or not, it's always been a choice for me.

I guess that's the good thing about having hearing like mine is that I can choose whether to hear what the world has to say or not.

But anyway, that was the first issue, the second issue is work which I'll put it up for tomorrow or something.

Credit where it’s due

2011-10-26T03:24:00.000+01:00

I feel.....that I'm never going to get the props I deserve...I could play out of my skin and yet someone else will get more credit.

Ha...I never thought I'd get annoyed with being Mr Reliable but there you have it, anything my teammates can do, I can do just as good if not better when it comes to technical things and eurgh...I dunno, maybe, maybe I am getting the praise now I think about it but I come across as someone who if you tell me I will not be fussed or something I don't know...

Anyway I guess I don't really respond the way people expect me to but you know what? I don't care, I'm not going to bend over backwards to please you...if I'm happy with myself then I'm happy, I feel I have come a long way from a year ago but still not where I would like to be just yet.

James did bring up a good point about me not doing as many tricks as I used to do in Mary Hare and I thought "fuck, he's right" but I know exactly why that is...I had to cut them out of my game when THAT injury happened as it affected my knee if I moved it in a certain way. So then I changed my play and became about passing and playmaking as opposed to taking my man on.

Anyway, now that my knee is better I can actually go back to that way but first it requires me to shed a bit of weight simply to make me a lot more agile and to make it easier for sudden changes of direction which a lot of my tricks utilise. I've been working on that and I'm happy with how it's gone so far however there's still work to be done and I can't help but grin at how excited I am at this...it's almost been a year since that operation and look at where I'm at and where I'm going.

Also just as a side note and a reminder...I have an addictive personality so don't even think about trying certain stuff. The things you're addicted to now is bad enough...(though I could argue that I'm not actually dependant on it but whatever)

The Samba Magician journey

2011-10-19T12:34:00.001+01:00

I had a dream last night…although technically it should be referred to as this morning but whatever. Anyway, I was coming back from a knee injury I had and was a substitute for a football game for my school team and when I did get on the pitch, me a Philip proceed to play dazzling one touch football and quite simply destroyed the other team even though I only came on for 5 minutes but yeah…

So yeah, I got to thinking about my current situation and how I can get back to the Jason that I used to be, with terror and frightening the other team. I mean, I still do now but I just don’t feel right, like I’m not at the best of my ability.

Maybe it’s just I don’t feel fit enough or that I feel bogged down by something but I just really need to sort that out and get back to it. Maybe a schedule and routine which lets me get back into it all would help? Though it’s a bit hard when you have to work on the only days you get to play football. Ahh well, given the choice between the work I do and football, money wins out every time and hey I love the job anyway so it’s not as it’s bad or anything. The only way it’d get better is if they actually paid me to play football hahah.

At least I haven’t forgotten

2011-10-10T02:57:00.001+01:00

Hmm, should get back to updating this thing soonish, plenty to say really…

Shoes, shoes and more shoes

2011-09-30T23:28:00.000+01:00

Good grief! This time 3 years ago I only owned one pair of shoes to my name especially as I was not bothered by shoes especially because they cost a bit and I would scuff them up a lot but now...at the time of writing this I have (in order of receiving them) Nike5 Bomba Finale with Samba Magician 10 stitched into them...oh how my knees crumble at the thought of them...anyhoo, to continue the list, Nike5 Streetgato, Nike Air Max+ 2011, Nike Lunarglide+ 3 and the latest additions to the family, my Nike Alphaballer and my Air Force Ones Premium and come release date I will hopefully own a pair of CTR360 Maestri in purple and white and I shall love them.

I was disappointed that yet again I was given false information but I guess all you can really do is grit your teeth and get on with it I suppose but it does mean that I have no football boots for Sunday's match unfortunately but I guess it's not a total disaster as hopefully I can burrow someone else's pair and dominate in them but I get what I'm given...

Anyway today was a very materialistic post and I chuckle to myself at the thought of that as I never thought I'd get to that point but ah well, I guess if I was so filthy rich that I was sweating money I would buy things as well but as I think about it I just think, I wouldn't really change as I'd be the same oblivious and slightly naive person I always am but just in better clothes and trainers.

Anyway, hopefully those CTR360 are in my possession soon enough but I should really start to think about space as I have literally nowhere to put my things...I think Sunday morning requires a clearout...

A line crossed

2011-09-29T00:52:00.001+01:00

My…goodness, I’m done with you, defended you for long enough and now you’re going to refuse to play when you are asked to?

Carlos, Carlos, Carlito…I defended you when others would criticise, heck not just me but others would too citing your work ethic and talent as reasons to overlook these mishaps but what do you do? Simply spit back in the faces of those who’d support you, eurgh…

The public has a very negative view of footballers especially with the wages that they get and I have defended that to an extent and then this happens, you refuse to play and then claim there was a misunderstanding…a misund- what. the. fuck. No, no no no nonononnoooo you don’t get away with that, you’ve been here in this country for how long and you’re still at the point where someone telling you that you’re going to come on the pitch can be misconstrued for you to sit and sulk like a bitch on the bench. MY…GOODNESS…

I just…eurgh…no. I’m done with you. Zabaleta blanked you when you tried to talk with him and I laughed, oh how I laughed…

Now I’m not even making much sense anymore so I think I’m going to stop there and say there is nothing you could probably do to make me look at you in a favourable way again. Right now I’m not mad at you as I’m sure you had your reasons and it made sense to you but for me I just can’t and will not deal with you anymore. Goodbye.

Haven’t we been here before?

2011-09-24T23:19:00.001+01:00

Oh my goodness, so so sooo predictable, you really think I didn’t see that coming? You think that you're the only one to comment on my attitude but what I will say about that is let’s face it, it’s because it’s pretty much same old same old. I do what I do in order to better myself, I mean come on, I will be frustrated about stupid goals being conceded and/or passes and things going awry.

I’m supposed to be satisfied with the situation right now? Am I supposed to be all happy and smiley with the fact that yet again we cannot seem to do the basics right? So I was a substitute today and yeah I was disappointed (no shit) especially as I knew that it was politics that this situation arose, I am so confident and buzzing in my ability (thanks to working with such brilliant people) that to be on the bench was annoying especially as I feel that I shouldn’t be dropped but meh, I’ve been here before and I’ll do now what I did then and that’s destroy…everything. Goals, assists, tricks, chances, I shall do them all and show you why I am the best, why I am unbeatable, why you never really should put me in a corner.

Oh how I’d hate to be you right now…

Going above and beyond

2011-09-18T23:30:00.001+01:00

So it's been a week and how has it gone so far? Quite amazing if I'm honest but maybe that's the naivety and enthusiasm talking, who knows, with a bit more experience my outlook on this may differ drastically but I doub- hmm I can't promise anything, but I think there's enough change in this to keep things fresh and new, always new customers to greet and new opinions to take in, always people to learn from and I find that amazing, not only that but bonuses aren't a bad motivator either, I'll be honest, I'm not in this for the monetary goods but rather the experience and the just being there in order to be a part of something great.

Anyway, it's been quite interesting the things I've learned from workmates and customers and I've taken all of this on board and am going to use it to adapt and change my style and this excites me as I constantly feel I'm improving. For starters nerves often make me forget my words and certain bits of data but I noticed over time I was remembering more and more and able to recite it to customers. Bomba Finales, ohhh boy, I love selling this because I actually really love this boot so it makes it easier to show that to the customer which can only be a good thing.

All in all, I feel I'm improving with each day and am enjoying life at the moment

Sincerely, Jason

2011-09-17T12:04:00.001+01:00

Ehh, too much negativity flying around and I really rather not have it at that if I’m honest so I figure I’m drawing a line under the saga as it’s just going to rumble on otherwise. Things were said on both sides but I’m just going to apologise and leave it at that.

Dear Megan

2011-09-17T01:15:00.001+01:00

I can't say I'm surprised with how it turned out what with the pushing and pushing and her twisting and misconstruing everything I said but ho hum what happened happened. If she wants to take what I said as a belief that I support rape then to be honest I don't care as I expected her to believe something like despite not saying anything of the sort or even remotely similar but that's pretty much what it's been like knowing her, just a whole load of miscommunication and defensiveness on her part.

So she pretty much claims this is unfixable and I'll be honest, I don't care, I stopped caring straight after you tried to start yet ANOTHER fight with me. You can claim that you tried to end it by telling me to stop but how is that any different from me trying to end arguments by just saying "Nope, enough is enough, new topic" because that just makes you a hypocrite.

Now as I reflect on life I think you know something, life is good. I have an excellent job which has improved my positive disposition to life and how I view things. To be honest, you were just bringing me down with you depressiveness and negativity. Not an insult, just a fact. It's funny, I've been told plenty of times that I'm very very patient with other people even when I'm wasting my time so to hear you say that I have no patience with you is a laugh. A laugh I say. I put up with you for ages.

Ehh, I wouldn't even say "put up" as that would imply that I didn't really care for it but it seemed to do you good you venting with all your problems about your mother and your situations and all that so I didn't mind it even though there were times I didn't want to talk a out depressing stuff but nooo apparently I don't care about you at all and never have.

Right...uh huh, sure...so you're idea of me showing I care is for me to say "I care about you every 5 minutes"? Please don't make me laugh. I actually really do care about you though…

Anyway, so what have you learnt Jason? Quite simply that sometimes it's easy for people to just overlook things. It's funny, a situation occurred at work and the person was shot down instantly and they were aggrieved that their past actions counted for nothing and it got me thinking really. How people will blindly ignore previous deeds and actions in any situation. The most patient man in the world, I'd forgive him if he exploded once in a while because I'd know that that's not what he's usually like and that something else must be bothering him.

So I acted a little selfishly once in a while, I think given the amount of times that I have been extremely generous with people, I've earned that right. Of course you won't see it as that but I am an extremely generous guy.

Anyway, I've been rambling on for far too long about you when I should be focusing on happier things and that. I won't talk about you unless there's a change in situation but knowing you, I doubt that.

And I think the happy thing is that even though I was behind a screen and all, I didn't resort to wishing terrible things to you and that everything I said I would have said face to face.

In a soundproof room

2011-08-18T23:44:00.000+01:00

Well that was unprecedented...never before have I experienced something like that, just panic and pure stress over this.

I was replacing the tubing as I hadn't done so in a while and quite literally the hearing aid fell apart in my hand and eurgh, not only was I disappointed that something that I was so dependant on, something that I take the greatest of care to look after seeing as without sound everything is affected, something so important...whether I liked it or not, could fall apart that flimsily and that really shook me.

So after stressing and panicking about what to do, calling and falling to get someone at the Nuffield Centre which...you'd think that something so vital to deaf people would be available at all times but alas they were not.

So my options were pretty much to go early in the morning and try and do something about it but somehow I doubt that's really going to do anything about it, that time is really on my side. It really could not have come at a worse time and it's a running pattern in my life, the things I'm most excited about, something will come along to ruin it...and I know I shouldn't have that sort of mentality and that I should be stronger but it really is frustrating.

I can't even remember a time even in Mary Hare where I had a day without hearing aids because they broke like that but we had an audiology department so I suppose we had the support but imagine how vulnerable I felt when suddenly access to help was extremely limited and I felt so restricted in what I can do.

This wouldn't had been bad if I wasn't working but the fact that I was got me even more down because I know that I'm at a hearing disadvantage, therefore I know I have to work twice as hard in order to keep up and that's okay, it's not a problem, the easy way out would be to nothing and get a job or put myself in situations where I don't have to interact with other people but that's not me, not in this job no way.

Anyway, so now I'm more relaxed and less stressed now but still a bit annoyed as sound is something I cherish and really do not take it for granted. Ahhh sound, how you are all now distorted and just a bit muffled, how you are now making me work harder than I already do...why must you have all this animosity for me and treat me like this.

Ah well not much I can really do about it, I suppose I'm at the mercy of them really...

Forgotten Gift

2011-08-17T14:50:00.001+01:00

What's this? A box? Oh yeah, I completely forgot about those. I guess I got these books at the worst possible time, when I slipped out of the book reading phase.

So I basically have books that that were bought for me but remain unopened for at least a year now, heh, ah well, maybe when I get back into reading books I may read them but until then...*ignores*

And I just wanna run…to the sun

2011-08-16T18:26:00.001+01:00

So begins day two of the Nike journey. Woke up more tired then yesterday but it was still good, I think it just means an early night tonight and by early I mean sometime before 0100 hours but anyway here I am and the second day involved quite a bit more lectures, games/tasks especially Ultimate Rock Paper Scissors which I got to the semi-finals of...urgh, another semi final, I need to go one step further and win things but I've no doubt that I will win a task individually someday.

Working for Nike, I just look at some of the videos and I think this is just mad in a good way and again I am really hyped for this whole thing especially when I just realise that this is their biggest project in Western Europe, not only that but that I'll be a major part of the 2012 Olympics, a worldwide event and it looks to be truly amazing. Heh, sometimes I still can't believe I'm part of it myself but here I am, like a kid in awe of his surroundings and just soaking things in.

So this afternoon we went for a jog to Regent's park for a training session to do sprints, jogs and piggy back rides. Yup, amazing and so so so fun and a little bit surreal. I see these things happening in Nike videos all the time but never did I think I would be taking part in one of those events.

Tomorrow begins the three (or apparently more) mile run in the running club and ohhh boy, I guess the question is why did I join the gym when Nike were going to provide the fitness work for me ahaha

Whoo another day gone and home is where I rest until the next day. Also something to note, I started playing Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney...probably should tell Foxx this and did the first level and seriously, the actions and movement of Mr What's his face (the witness) was weird and to top it all off when he ripped off his hair and threw it at my face I thought "what." But it's enjoyable so far and I hope I enjoy the rest of the game but if it's any good then I'm sure I will

Shame there’s a lack of 999 Watches

2011-08-16T15:03:00.000+01:00

If you are reading this then first things first. Stop reading this and go play 9 Hours, 9 Persons, 9 Doors. Do it, I mean it. Play it. These sort of games need a chance to have exposure and commercial success.

Okay now to the actual post:

So what is on my mind today, music and 999. Though I may as well get these thoughts out before I lose them forever to the next game I decide to play...okay maybe not forever but anyways, 999 is a brilliant game, that's all you need to know about it.

I played this on the recommendation of Foxx and well, I've never looked back. 999 is a visual novel not unlike Ace Attorney (which I may play next) and has a deeply engrossing story and puzzles that are clever and simply amazing. It's a game that requires multiple playthroughs however it is actually done brilliantly and it makes sense to play it again and again, to pick up clues and to get the full story.

You basically start off as Junpei, a 21 year old boy who one day is kidnapped and awakes in a locked room on a sinking ship steadying filling up with water and he must use the items in the room and his wits to escape. Of course, once he does he learns that he is now involved in what is called the Nonary Game, a game of life and death where he only has 9 hours to escape the ship or die a horrible death.

Whether this description of the game sounds interesting or not is irrelevant as you should want to play it and if you don't want to play it then you should feel bad as this is a good game.

In fact, go out and buy it now and thank me later

So now I have finished another game and the question really is, what do I play next as it's not as if there's a shortage of options here but it really does depend on what I feel like playing. I do need to finish Blaze Black and I was thinking of doing some maps on Advance Wars Day Of Ruin but that face keeps propelling me to play Final Fantasy Tactics A2 and Fire Emblem is the other game on my CycloDS at the moment.

The most likely one is probably Final Fantasy but now it's really a matter of getting round to playing it.

…Still got my Nike boots

2011-08-15T22:01:00.001+01:00

So here I was twenty minutes early with others who had arrived early as well, heart beating, sweat and just plain nervous about this but then again why wouldn't I be? I did think why am I nervous, I should be fine with this, I'm pretty sure things won't go bad, how can they? Yet I remain anxious about it all but at the same time, very excited.

After the introduction and them telling us the things they have planned on this induction period I can say I'm pretty hyped for all this, still nervous but I think the activities they have planned should settle me down some.

I think about it and I'm glad that I got turned down for other jobs because I wouldn't have ended up here, I still find it unbelievable that I beat 25,000 other applicants to get to this point and I still reflect at times on why exactly do they like me and why do they think I'm the best person for this job. I know I was confident in the presentation but really in the back of the mind I worry I'll be out of my depth but I calm myself again by thinking that I think this every single time and that there's no basis for me to truly believe this but here I am.

So with all the excitement and eagerness buzzing around I just need to step back and realise that this is a step to better things and that while I work here (hopefully for years to come) I will learn and become a better person and from what I can tell on the first day, I'm surrounded by good people which can only be a good thing.

Another thing I notice is that a lot of these people are the completion of everything that I didn't finish, I had an interest in dance, there's someone was a dance teacher, I had an interest in basketball, there's someone who plays high level basketball, I had an interest in writing and th- you get the picture.

“So name something interesting about yourself.”

Ohhh boy, I hate that because I can never think of anything interesting even though that maybe there are things that others would find interesting but for me, I find it nothing to be excited about and then I end up giving the most boring aspect of me. But I don't stress as it'll come with time that things will be found out about me, maybe interesting things but for now I'm just chilled and taking in my surroundings.

So after the morning and rota's and everything it was time for the afternoon session and more lectures but it wasn't the boring kind as it was quite engaging and interesting.

Then of course we had a group task which me and my team won so I'm pleased at that because I genuinely don't lose on tasks like this though I was disappointed with second place on the clap, knee, stamp task but you can't win them all. Ah well

So I'm prepared for tomorrow and whatever it brings but it never ceases to amaze me the fact that I'm here.

Also, LeBron James! That's pretty amazing.

Living locally

2011-08-11T13:29:00.000+01:00

Living far away...here's a question, do you think that those who live the furthest gets to see the most real side of ourselves?

Why do I ponder this? Because it popped into my mind. I dislike...well, dislike is a strong word. I've no desire to really know the people that live near me because...while this may signify arrogance, it's because I don't believe they think on the same wavelength that I do I can say that I don't believe I'm better than them or anything but rather...different in ways.

I believe them to be concerned with things that I wouldn't be be and vice versa. Their attitude to life does not match my own and therefore getting along is...complex.

Anyhoo so yeah, why is it that the good people I meet always live far away from me...It's annoying to know that I can't just pop on a train or bus to see her but in this case a plane, eurgh, just my luck...

I guess there's nothing to do but enjoy what we have now and maybe in the future the situation will change for the better but as much as I'd love it to be one of my special powers, reading the future is not on my repertoire of skills.

I predict a riot

2011-08-10T21:27:00.002+01:00

How do I feel? Happy? Sad, Frightened? Worried? Blissful? I don't actually know, I suppose a combination of blissful and relaxed.
I was worried a bit for my position at Nike but they've sort of reassured me about the situation but I know I won't be relaxed until I start on the first day so until then I'm still slightly anxious for this to not blow up in my face.

Next up is these riots and it's served to do nothing to reaffirm my disappointment in this society. Okay I may not know about the cause of all this other than someone got shot during a protest blah blah blah but what I do know that all this rioting is unnecessary and pointless as well...nothing good is going to come out of it. I may have been all for starting a riot when I was younger in a jokey way (ahhh memories) but rioting without a purpose is....well, like I said, pointless. A change in government policy, a change in the way the place is run, an extremely controversial decision made in court or something like that okay, I can see a riot if enough people felt the same way but even so you'd have to decide whether the repercussions will be worth it for whatever change you had in mind but with this...there doesn't seem to be a purpose with this and that people are rioting and looting for the sake of it.

Anyway...what else is there? Ooh yes, the gym. Well that's going okay I guess, the programme that was given to me I'm trying to stick to and trying to stick to the amount of reps and sets but of course I have off days and that but I'm trying so that's something I'm pleased at. I've been doubted for long enough in regards to football so this year I'm going to be like "I'M BACK MOTHERFUCKERS!" and teach them a lesson in true greatness and what it looks like (me).

I am Jason Mycroft, accept no substitutes.

Braaaains, braaains

2011-08-08T12:30:00.001+01:00

Resident Evil...what have they done to you, you used to be all about fighting ACTUAL zombies and more about survival than about action and upper-cutting boulders and the likes.

My beloved franch- well, to tell the truth I wasn't really that into the series anyway haha, I only ever played Resident Evil 2, the one with Leon S Kennedy and Claire Redfield and that is one of my most cherished games...yes nostalgia does play a part in it but there are plenty of other games I know weren't good but I still like them anyway.

Anyway, so the first game I didn't play but I know somewhat about the storyline along with the third game. Now when it comes to spinoffs and any games that are not part of main entries of a story, I'm hesitant to play them. The reason for that is that when it comes to a story, anything that relates to the plot and is somewhat essential should be in the main entries anyway.

The last thing I want to do is to play a completely separate game to understand something that's vital to the plot. Everything not mentioned in the plot should preferably just be background information and nothing more.
That being said I haven't actually played any of the Resident Evil spinoffs or other games so yeah...wait where was I going with this? Ahh forget it.

So Resident Evil 4 I am a huuuuuuuge fan of because it was different and exciting and it was actually good especially the dialogue ("What 'r you buying strangah", "Your right hand comes off?" and "You're small time!" all brilliance), it was also fun to play for a second time with the better weapons and additions such as the Chicago Typewriter and the infinite rocket launcher (blowing up a villager's head with a rocket launcher has never been so satisfying).

So while Resident Evil 4 was applauded and praised, surely you can't mess up with Resident Evil 5 right? WRONG!

Eurgh how do I start with this. While Resident Evil 5 is by no means a bad game, it's just not that good enough. It's far too similar to RE4 and that it offers very little. I don't mind to use the criticism that it's similar against it but it really just feels like it's Resident Evil 4 IN AFRICA (or Haiti to be more precise, I've always hated it when people say Africa as a catch all term for things set in that continent) and that wait...haven't I played this before?

Yes the co-op was a nice feature but too many times have I been let down by incompetent team-mates who failure to understand that trying the same thing over and over will not bring about results and means we have to redo it again and again and it's frustrating ergh. This feature doesn't make up for the boredom in this game really (AND OH MY GOD WHY CAN'T YOU GUYS JUST CRAWL UNDER THE LASERS, WHY DO I HAVE TO GO AROUND IT) and its blandness and it just wasn't very good.

So with the speculation of Resident Evil 6 along with a leaked shot of the announcement date, I've not checked if it was faked or not, I am wary in what direction this new game will take and how it pans out. Hopefully it'll be another masterpiece as even number entries usually are for me but I guess along with many other things in life, I'll just have to wait and see.

Flyer than the rest of them, still got my Niké boots

2011-08-06T12:30:00.001+01:00

Oooh optimism, you are one funny thing, so easy it is to gain you just as quick as it is to lose you. Pre season training has arrived and this is it, the start of what hopes to be a promising season…promising for who? Ahhhh well you see that depends on exactly what happens between now and the date of the first pre season training session.

So basically put, I’ve put on weight, no pulling punches about it and it doesn't bother me because honestly I really didn’t think I’d be able to get back into football as a combination of playing with an injury and lack of motivation meant there was nothing to aspire for.

So has that changed now? Hmmmm somewhat…hmm. Yeah it has, I’m thinking to just get back into shape simply because my game plan when playing football is not about power and is more about being agile and using trickery to turn the tides into my team’s favour. I haven’t really set any goals yet and you know something? I think I might just do that right now.

Teams can play as good and as bad as they want but the simply undeniable fact is that goals wins games.

Basically I need to set myself a target of goals seeing as last year (which I don’t really count due to injury) I scored…what 4 goals or something? Barely any assists and that is just a disgrace.

So this year I aim to get hmmm let’s say…see I’ve got to think, where exactly is it that I will be playing because defensively I’m pretty much done so it’s all about the offense baby! Ahem…yeah I’m only up for playing as Attacking midfielder/Striker so that being said I’d say 10 wouldn’t be such a bad choice for a target, 15 if I’m pushing it but I honestly don’t know what the situation will be like when we return.

Assists? Well, the same thing as above applies so 10 assists should be a reasonable target for me to reach.
Getting back into shape, now I’m thinking this is a must especially as my game plan relies on it…sooooo that’s a must, I shall need to keep up my fitness throughout the whole season and that means NO QUITTING OR GETTING LAX…ahh who am I kidding, we all know it;s going to happen sooner or later, my only hope is that it happens waaaay waaaaay later.

Okay so I think I have everything, now all I need is to actually do this and that’ll mean that I go out in style and with a bang.

Look out world, Jason is coming for you

Projects to complete

2011-08-04T12:30:00.001+01:00

Read The Zombie Survival Guide again because it’s such a good book
~~Join a gym to get fitter~~
Get back into updating this blog and consistently
Buy myself Niké CTR Astroturf trainers and football boots
Buy football shirts of teams that I like
Have at least one competitively viable Pokémon from every single family
Listen to songs and albums that I haven’t listened to on my iPod
Get songs and albums from artists whose discography I haven’t been keeping up with
Organise the songs I already do have on my iPod into categories
Buy myself an external hard drive
Get back into learning Spanish, French, Italian and Swedish
Get back into writing lyrics
Play the games that I bought but have yet to play. Bayonetta, Gears Of War, Assassin’s Creed, MadWorld, No More Heroes and some others
Read a list of manga. This includes Pokémon Special, Yu-Gi-Oh and many others, possibly Full Metal Alchemist but I may just watch the anime instead.
Play the games on my CycloDS iEvolution that I haven’t played
Learn some types of ballroom dancing such as the tango, waltz and others
Change my internet settings back to WPA (Danged Pokémon forced me to change to WEP)
Get my own place
Think of more items for this list

Sparkle sparkle

2011-08-03T16:04:00.005+01:00

I really ought to watch films as soon as possible when I get sent them from Lovefilm rather than hold onto them for too long but ah well, anyways, I got round to watching Twilight: Eclipse…yeah.

Obviously I’m not oblivious to the Twilight hate and it’s extreme I should add. Not just on the anti Twilight brigade but on the pro Twilight side as well, I mean seriously?

So anyway I watched the third instalment of the Twilight Saga and I felt that it was the best of the three so far, I suppose that isn’t really saying much especially compared to New Moon…gosh that film was bad. That’s not to say that there wasn’t any cringe worthy moments, the portrayal of Bella is one that really grates as she displays absolutely NO emotion and while I’m not annoyed at the author for writing this character into existence, I find it really frustrating that the publishers and editors allowed it to get to the actual selling of the book in retail shops. I feel that somebody should have mentioned that along with millions of the other mistakes in the book (Brazilian west coast anyone?).

While you can’t really ask for a factually correct book in a story about vampires and werewolf shape shifters there comes a point where it becomes jarring to read mistakes after mistakes after mistakes.

So anyway I’m pretty much done with that film until Breaking Dawn comes out and…I’m just thinking, that's probably going to be a massive let-down and here’s why:

While I applaud the fact that for once in a story a confrontation was avoided with simple diplomatic discussion, the build up from the first part of the film (Breaking Dawn will be split into two parts not unlike the final Harry Potter movie) combined with seeing all these vampires with different powers and abilities and just the general feel of it will serve to be a MASSIVE anti-climax.

So I guess I’m going into the last film with extremely low expectations but now I think about it, the could change many parts of the movie to avoid that exact situation but for now it’s a wait and see situation. Though I’m not looking forward to the promotions when the release date approaches as the pro Twilight and anti Twilight groups come out in full force to defend/attack this series. I will just be glad when it’s all done.

IN 3D!!!!!!!

2011-08-01T12:30:00.001+01:00

The 3DS is getting a price drop? Just as I thought.

When I first heard about the 3DS I was…skeptical, the 3D gimmick was one that I’ve never really understood and didn’t like all that much but that’s okay because you don’t have to play your games in 3D, in fact none of the games require you to do so. That was pretty much the only noise I heard from the advertising, that in now plays games IN 3D!!!! (Also you don’t need glasses)

Yes there is biggest processing power and the hardware has improved so it isn’t just an update but you’d hardly know that would you just from watching these ~~obviously paid actors~~ perfectly normal citizens gushing about how amazing the 3D is. Not just that but there’s obviously going to be a 3DS lite of some kind despite what PR men at Nintendo might say so I’m better served waiting for that incarnation of the handheld as it benefits me in more than than one way, yes the games.

Of course the thing that’s going to convince me to buy any game system is the actual games for it, so I took one look at the launch games of the 3DS aaaaand suffice to say I was disappointed. Even the upcoming games weren’t that impressive and that any games I may have been interested in weren’t likely to be released not for a long time yet so I guess there’s not really much point of me getting a 3DS yet

Hopefully the game library will pick up and just like the original DS it’ll have a good game library by the time I choose to purchase one but until then I’m just shaking my head at how disastrous the whole 3DS thing has been handled.

Oh look, yet another Sandstorm team…yay

2011-07-31T12:30:00.003+01:00

So I finally got Pokémon Online and it’s quite fun having quick battles though I do miss the animations and movement of the cartridge games and I’m having quite a lot of fun on this thing.
Now it originally was just to test a new team idea I had but I guess it may be some time before I actually get it on the cartridge but oh well I’M HAVING A BLAST

So I noted and not really that surprised at it that people tend to use the most powerful ones and bleh what can you do, but I can’t count how many Tyranitars, Ferrothorns and Latios I've seen but it’s a lot.

Then I look at my team and think yeah it’s not so different but I know I had a team and what I wanted to do with it and that was to use a Rain Dish Ludicolo and the rest of the team kind of fell into place. I like this team and while yes it has some maaaaaajor issues like not really being able beat some of the tougher threats and a lack of Rapid Spin due to me removing Forretress for a Gliscor but that was because before that change it was like “Breloooooom! *shakes fists angrily* and thus a change was actually needed. But anyway yeah, I have fun with it and that’s what matters really.

Also it’s probably better that I use this team on this simulator as opposed to the cartridge games due to the amount of times I’ve been involved in a stall war with just one Pokémon left and their grass or water type against my Milotic or Ludicolo…I’ve gone waaay past turn 100 because of this.

So I’m really thinking of a new team but I need a new theme and idea to play with and I was thinking Magic Bounce so that might be my next thing I play with but of course I will need to look at some other ideas, preferably ones that wouldn’t get much use.

Oh and I’ve also got to make myself a winning team to use on the ladders. May as well see how easy it is to stop and learn more about them for when I face them with my other teams

Life of a human

2011-07-30T12:30:00.003+01:00

The human body, an amazing piece of work that we take for granted, whether we abuse it, look at it or whatever, we cannot deny that the body does so much for us and whenever I think about things I think we are helpless little creatures at the mercy of a lot of things. Natural elements, wear and tear, disease and just about everything and their dog are trying to kill off humans and yet the human race persists, amazing isn’t it? We manage to destroy ourselves in addition to everything else that’s trying to do the same.

While I could talk about a famous Mr Smith’s speech about how humans are like a virus but the truth is while yes we may have accelerated the destruction of this planet by however many years it is, I feel human can be and are an amazing specie.

No, what I was thinking was my knee when I went to shut a window and had to kneel on something, I couldn’t help but to think what happens when your body stops repairing itself? What happens when your lungs, your kidney or even your brain says “Nope, that’s it, I’m done, I’m out” and I think wow, maybe yes we are helpless little creatures.

Not only that but every time I think about space and this Earth and how vast out “there” is, you can’t help but think that you are sort of insignificant…but don’t take this to be depressing and miserable because mixed in with that feeling of insignificance is a equal and maybe more feeling of awe and amazement that there is just so much out there.

The possibilities as they say are truly endless.

Just my CycloDS

2011-07-29T12:30:00.001+01:00

My CycloDS iEvolution, my CycloDS.

AWWWWWW YEAH!
So after days of telling me about how these things were amazing I listened to Foxx about getting one of these and yep, certainly worth it and now I’m pretty much overwhelmed with the possibilities of this thing that I am not utilising it heh.

Currently…or at least at the time I was typing this out I am playing 999 which is 9 Hours 9 Persons 9 Doors and I’m enjoying that so far despite the fact I haven’t got far in it but the fact that I’m into it already is a good sign as there have been games where it has started off slow and recovered slightly or never really recovered at all and suffice to say it has not been the best of game experiences but I’m glad it most likely won’t happen with this.

So anyway I have this thing which allows me to play so many games and do so many things which means I can never ever be bored with it.

I’ve already played Pokémon Blaze Black…or rather I’m kind of playing it now along with 999 and I find it a new challenge…especially those damned Gym Leaders. I’m currently on the ice type and I am a bit more positive towards that than how I felt about the other gyms (except Elisa, she was easy) and that my team is better prepar- wait nooo I didn’t mean it like that gah haha. So yes my team is ready to take on Pryce and get my next badge.

I have also played Advance Wars Day of Ruin and found it to be vastly different from the Advance Wars before that (that was the whole point) but the storyline was better due to the darker tone. Not saying doom and gloom is all good but this comic pretty much has it summed up. While the battles in the main story mode were quite fun the last battle however is a no. I hated it and groaned the fact that yet again I’m facing a machine or thing as opposed to a proper army and that they have lasers that reduce your HP and mortars that do the same. Not my idea of a fun battle at all but no matter, I beat it anyway.

So yeah I have my CycloDS and from time to time I quickly go onto Tetris as it’s so quick and easy to set up and it is really fun and addictive. I’m actually really glad I got this, now I don’t really have to worry about missing out on good DS games anymore.

Working up a sweat

2011-07-28T12:30:00.003+01:00

Well that was easy, don’t know why I didn’t do this ages ago and join up with the local gym but anyway what’s done is done I guess. I suppose I never really joined before because I had football and that was enough to keep me fit enough to play it but ever since my knee injury (it’s always the knees isn’t it) I haven’t been able to play as much.

Maybe it’s because football hasn’t come across that often and that…no wait, I should say “serious football” because the kind I have at the moment isn’t all that but I will stick with it for at least this year and then next year depending on my progress I shall see where my futures lies next.

So I’ve basically been given a training programme to adhere to and thank goodness because left to my own devices I probably would not have done much and meh may be even doing it wrong but at least this way I have a better chance of improving myself and staying in shape for when I need it i.e. the upcoming zombie apocalypse.

So I shall try and keep updated with my progress and hopefully in 4-6 weeks time there will be a slight improvement and all

Heey Foxx, happy now?

2011-07-27T11:33:00.001+01:00

So I really ought to start updating this thing a lot more often really. I mean it’s not like nothing interesting has happened in my life to justify status updates and I do have lots of thoughts I wanted to type down but you know what? I just never get round to it.

But I did say that I was never any good at this, I’m always seeing things as projects and then when I can view the final product or something then I get bored of it…I find this happens all too much and in lots of different ways, for me it’s more about the journey than the actual destination. Not just that but the fact that once I can realistically see the destination I tend to want to just get on with a new project as then I know that it can be done by me hence why I have a LOT of things unfinished.

But I think a routine is needed and hopefully I should be able to get into that and I guess it’s about time as I’ve gone long enough doing what I like and being unstructured.

I think at the very minimum I should be updating this thing once a week, four times a month but I know that sooner or later I will slip up but oh well what can you do.

Former glory

2011-06-22T05:36:00.001+01:00

It’s funny but after me and Eamon were joking the other day about the team, turns out that the team is more or less finalised anyway.

But of course, I’m involved. Do I think I’d be an asset to the team or any team in my condition and the fact that I’m currently staring at a brick wall trying out different bricks to see if there is a secret entry to the other side as opposed to climbing over the wall or bulldozing straight through it?

The answer to that overly long question is no, no, I’ve really had better days, much much better days and yet I say nothing. I really should be saying that I’m not really in the best of conditions, even if I stick to my lousy fitness regime for a month there are much better options than me.

For someone who’s game revolves around quickness and thinking on the spot, I have lost a lot of pace and agility that it’s going to take some time to get it back…maybe I’ll just go in goal then and then my fitness won’t be much of an issue for the rest of the team. I will get disappointed if I’m standing there and I see them not taking responsibility and not shooting on sight preferring to pass it instead. I will rage. Rage hard.

But that’s irrelevant as I will be playing outfield mostly anyway…I say mostly but I figure I’ll end up playing all the time. Thing is, I have to remember that the slick Arsenal passing is the way we can play and we’ll have to utilise that fully, heck if we can just enjoy ourselves then I’m content with that.

Lavish nice gifts

2011-06-21T04:28:00.002+01:00

Interestant! I just felt like opening with that non-word but as I type this out at 0328 hours I have to really stop procrastinating and to do things now and when the moment hits me and not to finish until I’m done.

What’s up? Well I got thinking earlier (as is the way of all these posts) about myself and how I treat others specifically in relationships. It started when I was looking at some of the pictures I had of me from the Paparazzi photo-shoot and thinking “Boy, this was not worth the money at…all”. To tell you the truth it wasn’t really for me anyway and I only booked it as I figured it’d be a nice thing for her but I was sorely mistaken.

Which led me to think of all the times I sort of just threw money around and spent it on things simply because it was asked for. Things that I knew were just a passing fancy and yet I still indulged them in it.
Now then, what lessons have I learned from all this? To be honest with you, not much. Which leads me onto Foxx.

It’s really great talking and heavily flirting with her but I just think to myself have I really learned anything about life? I was saying about things I’d buy and I actually was serious about the fact that if I could I would but I had to ask myself, do I not remember what happened before? Do I not remember the feeling of emptiness when all was said and done? Do I not learn from that mistake? So why are you doing it again?
Okay, I’ll never be able to really buy Foxx anything but that fact you feel this way means come on man, what happens with the next one? Will you be doing the same thing and then when that’s over have the same feeling of emptiness?

You really ought to know by now but you never seem to learn, you say over and over how you’ll never make a mistake again but…you really don’t. I hope for my sake and yours, something happens to kick you into gear.

*sigh* Ohh and while you’re at it Jason, stop running.

The calm before the storm…or have I said that already?

2011-06-12T18:45:00.001+01:00

So now we’re in June. Well what is on my mind. I don’t know, I never actually know nowadays and as much as I’d like to say that it’s all good, the truth is that it could be better but hey…at least things aren’t that bad.

I never know where this optimism stems from but it’s a good thing that I have it as I imagine things would be pretty dark if it weren’t there.

Though it pretty much is all a facade and if you were to ask if “something is wrong” and “am I alright”, I’d respond with a simple yeah I am fine but in the back of my mind, I know…I know something is wrong but I just cannot put my finger on it…or maybe I can and somehow my brain is blocking me from seeing the actual truth.

I need a doctor

2011-05-20T01:34:00.001+01:00

So after fantasising about The Doctor for a long while I decided to do something about it and got myself a box set of Seasons 1-4 of Doctor Who so I can watch at my leisure. What I really want though is that t-shirt as I just think it's really neat and cool but alas I'm not sure if I can get it anyway...still, I have to hope that someone makes it into a wallpaper so I can put it on my desktop

So long and thanks for the cake

2011-05-19T01:49:00.001+01:00

So my super long text and plea falls on deaf ears I guess. Never mind I suppose, I get the hint and I'll get over it. To be honest, sending that text really made me feel a heck of a lot better because well, I tried but oh well, que sera sera.

Or so I thought.

How to put into words how I’m feeling right now.

I don’t know, one minute I’m angry, the next I’m happy, the next I’m crazy.

I’ve screwed things up haven’t I…what, what were you thinking deleting her off Facebook, deleting her number off your phone?

I was trying to break off all contact with her and painful memories

Yes but you didn’t need to go so overboard and do all this did you?

No, but I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t just stop talking to her, I couldn’t leave her alone. It still didn’t help, I still have messages in my phone from her, all I’ll need to do is to hit ‘reply’ and I can…

Seriously? Come on man, snap out of it, this really isn’t you

Funny thing is, it actually sort of is. You know what, I almost slipped and snapped

Yeah I was thinking that, like what does it take for you to just lash out? I can see why you’re hurt though, you allowed yourself to love someone…sorry, biggest mistake ever. This is what you were fearful of. You knew. Things come to an end eventually but you’re just scared of dealing with that pain and anguish aren’t you?

Does that make me a coward?

No but all I can say to you is that you are not unique when it comes to this feeling, everyone has been there. Pull yourself together man, if it helps you to move on, allow the bad and negative thoughts to help you get over her.

You know what I’m like with dark thoughts

Yes but what else can we do? Lets face it, you aren’t exactly knocking down on her door begging and that.

No, we live too far apart

Exactly, remind me why you’re upset again? You barely see her at all. Seriously, you dodged a bullet here. I am you after all, I know what you’re like when you put your mind to it. Really, you could find anybody. Your charm is enough, you’re caring, you think things out logically (at times) and most important of all, you are devoted and loyal, you would stay with someone to the ends of the earth

Yeah, wasn’t good enough for her though was it.

Also come on man, you went out for a year and a bit and there’s nothing to fight for? Do you really want to be with someone like that? She bloody well insulted you with those pleas to be “friends”. I know you’re pissed off about it all but it’ll serve you better in the long run. She hates your guts even though she won’t admit it, you are awkward every. Single. Time. Why do you think she’ll want to be with you?

Give it time I guess, she’ll realise what she’s missing, until then I have to leave her alone. I think I’ll need a schedule and a plan. Yes, that’s what I need. Let me check my calendar…*Checks*…Call it August 19th.

Okay then August 19th it is, you’ll sort yourself out and move on and then you if by then you still feel something you can go into Plan B

Plan B? What’s that?

You’ll know at the time. Anyway, it’s time for some sleep now isn’t it? Trust me on this, tomorrow is going to be that perfect day for you and it wouldn’t have been possible if you were still with her. Trust me on this, get over her, you don’t want to be that ex do you?

Hahaha no, what happens if I feel down?

Write about it, put it up and then realise how stupid it was. Now sleep. Nobody deserves your love right now but nobody deserves your hate…ever

Yeah, okay I’m calling it now 0145 19th May, that was when I simply did not care about Emily Louise Lardner and quite frankly she does not exist in my world any more.

Goodnight

Goodnight

Pose for the camera, pose, click, pose, click

2011-05-17T00:12:00.001+01:00

Right I see, so even when I go out of my way to be early for something, fate or whatever it is goes out of their way to make sure I'm late...

No seriously, I left all in good time to get to this...thing, session or whatever it is especially as there's a non refundable deposit but blehh and yet I wait more than 15 minutes for a bus that really comes quite regularly.

You may question why I waited for that long but in past experience I've never really had to wait more than 7 minutes for that bus but today it was a no-show. So I upped and went and walked to the station to take the tube instead, at least I know I'll never have to wait more than 4 minutes for a train and ohhh look at that a train is already here and it's 1404 now, it's optimistic to think that I'll make it before 1415 but oh well, I think I'll give them a call to explain that I'm late..........once I get out from the underground (can't make calls underground).

*One train journey later*

Okay I'm out and I didn't call them as it was just a short walk there. After arriving there, they saw to me pretty quick and then I was groomed for the photo session...really? I don't know what exactly it is I was expecting but I was slightly expecting some massive and glamorous studios and something wondrous for a place where celebrities such as Lady Gaga, Dizzee Rascal and some others have been to, though I must remember to ask about that when I'm done here.

But even so, this is just right though, the place seemed to match my realistic expectations perfectly. Anyway I'm just sitting here waiting for my turn for the photo session and I've pretty much left it up to the photographer's choice as to what styles to do so I've no idea what to expect...exciting!

*One photo-shoot session later*

Okaaay, that was cool and quite fun, I suppose I should have brought my suit but ah well couldn't find it anywhere so I missed out on that. It pretty much was pose, click, pose, click, pose, click, change outfit and do it all again but hey, twas fun.

Now I'm pretty much waiting to view the photos before I'm done here and an hour is not a good length of time to be waiting...

*One photo viewing session later*

Well that was pretty good and I liked a lot of the photos so I ended up with a fair number of them, the price wasn't too bad either and all in all it was a pretty good day even with the bomb scare and all which me being the person that I am, only just found out when the lady who I was viewing it with mentioned it to me but me, I'm not afraid and will travel on the train home.

Would I go again? Possibly but the big question for me is, who referred me there in the first place? Ah well, I guess I'll never know

You complete me

2011-05-15T18:59:00.001+01:00

Ah, books. Need to get back into them soonish, I think I’ll start by taking a book with me to places but what should I read first? Well I have a whole box of unread books that I certainly wouldn’t mind getting started on as they’ve been there for more than a year…huh really, when I think about it like that I think “dang, has it really been a year”. Oh well, I guess I better make a start to it.

Also tomorrow I should probably check out some gyms as I’d like to work on my fitness and get back in shape especially if I’m going to be the best ever. But also tomorrow is a session at Paparazzi Studios which I was supposed to be going with someone but now I’ll be going on my own and I’m curious about what exactly will happen but I am actually looking forward to it. It’s free but I’m sure it’s there to try and hook people into joining up or reusing their services again but I don’t plan on doing that unless it’s really something special and worth it.

Also on my mind is Doctor Who, yeah really am tempted to go and buy a boxset of it now so I watch it again as I’m so in love with the show. It’d also give me the chance to watch it in a straight run as opposed to having to watch it every week and forgetting certain details from the previous episode so that will be something different.

I’ll finish this post by saying who knew Michael Bolton could be so cool, certainly not me

The final game

2011-05-15T17:51:00.001+01:00

As I wake up in the morning, I think to myself "oh boy" it must be six a.m as it's cold, let me sleep another five minutes and I hit the snooze button...but that wouldn't last long so up I get, pack my bags and head out the door off to make myself another memory.

Walked to the station and felt very content and relaxed (due to the lack of cars and people) and while the journey wasn't bad, in fact I was worried it was going too well. Arrived at Ricksmanworth station and had time to get myself a breakfast at the station cafe and couldn't help think as I was eating how this was similar to the Thames Valley match against Doncaster when Mark Gill took me and some others for breakfast before the match and ahhh I remember I put in a gooood performance then, was even noticed by the Doncaster players themselves. Still lost the match though

Now I'm pretty much in the car with Mario and Jason and I can't help but smile at how blissfully unaware I am about certain things, like I only just found out that we were playing Fulham last Wednesday in training when Johnny mentioned it. Now I just found out that kick-off was at 11 o'clock and I'm thinking "that's a bit early, but meh it means it finishes earlier"

So now that I’m here at the stadium it’s time to see what will happen…though I strongly suspect what will happen…

AND BY JOVE, WAS I RIGHT

5-0, really? That was a pretty poor showing and honestly honestly honestly, sometimes I wondered why we bothered showing up today…as if my week couldn’t get any worse.

So what went wrong…well, nearly everything. There was a massive gulf in fitness levels and quality but we had zero chance of winning in the first place. The passing was subpar and tactical nuance was missing from our squad too, mistakes after mistakes after mistakes kept occurring and I felt we were too defensive and just inviting them to attack us every time but then again I’m not a manager so what do I know. Enough to know when things aren’t going right and when it’s time for a change.

Speaking of change, I was asked what I was going to do this summer and quite frankly I hate the fact that my motivation for football has dwindled and that constantly I asking myself what’s in it for me? What’s my motivation? Why aspire here? There’s not really an answer to that other than to stay fit (goodness knows I need that lately) and…umm…prove to…bleh, I have nothing to prove though, except maybe to myself but even so, what will be my physical reward after all this? A medal or a trophy perhaps? Those are meaningless to me at the end of the day, so what is going to take to get me to actually get up and get out and prove that I am the best? Hopefully I’ll know the answer soon

And there she goes…

2011-05-13T21:43:00.001+01:00

And here we are point zero. back to the beginning, landed on a snake, go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect....the end of something, something beautiful I thought. But I was wrong.

I've many thoughts about the why and what’s but I cannot answer them as for me things don't really add up, she's left me nothing really except a half-hearted attempt to convince me not to give up and that I cannot predict the future. No I can't but at some point people do have to make educated guesses and quite frankly your whole demeanour and attitude left me with no confidence whatsoever.

I've tried to look at things from your perspective and failed and tried again, failed and I just can't do it. Why? It just feels like it was all pretty much a lie, you telling me how much you loved me and that. This is in no way an attack on you or anything but right now I have been thinking about it a lot and I have just a lot of answers that need answering and you fail to give me them. It's a bit silly really, I don't know why I keep wanting answers when you yourself can't even tell me how you feel yourself.

So is it any wonder I have to fill out the gaps myself and I just...ehhh I don't know, it just feels as if I'm missing something, something you can only give me an answer to but you're either flat out not wanting to tell me or you just don't know and it's the second that gets me more frustrated. Like how am I supposed to know what to do if you don't even know know what it is you want me to do.

But I think I'm done anyway, I'm not wasting anymore time on this, thinking...hoping there's a chance that this is only temporary when I have received no vibes to indicate that this is even the case. Sigh...maybe, just maybe...

The question

2011-05-10T23:02:00.001+01:00

Oh why do I even bother with all this…?

MMM…trade with me all day long

2011-05-09T01:36:00.001+01:00

Wow, I’m just here thinking “What is with the influx of all these trade shops?” But meh I’m not really bothered as some will die a natural death while others live on slightly longer. I guess it must be annoying to just create a new thread and then suddenly see that thing plummet to obscurity but I think in situations like this, you’ve really got to stand out from the crowd, be unique, offer something no-one else is doing and that way you can rise and all.

Also seriously guys? 14 private messages all at the same time? Hoooo boy, now I have to power though them and reply to them all which I don’t mind but I really really wanted to do something new like EV train or catch more good ones to put up in the shop.

Anyway I kinda just stopped for a bit to type this…no idea why but anyway I best get back into the thick of it, no rest for me, I’ll be fine just as long as I remember that you go crazy and experience hallucinations if you don’t sleep for 4 days……or was it 3? Hold on let me ask David Tennant as he happens to be standing in my room right now, The Doctor knows everything… OOOOHHHH I LOVE THE DOCTOR…

No wonder goals from me this time

2011-04-16T20:21:00.000+01:00

So we lost the match, oh dear oh dear. To sum it up, I felt we could have gotten a point from that but I guess it was not to be.

As I walked away from the ground and home, I felt a sense of happiness, why? because I was tired but I felt like I worked to achieve that tiredness. It was a good thing for me because it made me feel as if I really was getting better as I felt like I was over the worst of the whole “coming back to football” thing and hopefully with regular play, my body can then adapt to the way that it needs to be for maximum efficiency

I’m also enjoying these smooth legs however there are times when I think what if Emily was to do the top half of my legs…sorry off topic, as I was typing, football was pretty decent got myself an assist however there were problems, most were discussed but in my opinion when we went 2-1 up we should have continued with the pressure as momentum was on our side but alas two goals conceded in sloppy manner meant we lost our foothold in the match and the other team went rampant on us.

While we managed to claw a goal back, it seemed nothing was going to go our way especially in the last 20 minutes when fouls just was not going our way at all.

There was some bonuses in this like the fact that we did some good passing movements, I still remain slightly frustrated that things haven’t become a habit for certain people now but meh, what can you do really

For me personally, I believe the season is almost over so the question for me really is, what do I do with that time off in the middle and there’s only one correct answer and that’s to make up for lost time

My child

2011-04-14T10:05:00.002+01:00

Ahh, I suppose this is really an apology seeing as I'd never do it to your face really but I am trying, really.

You see, family is a tricky concept which I've not really believed in all too much, I mean, I try to teach good...no, not even that but for you to think for yourself and make that decision for yourself as to what is "right" and what is "wrong". Yes I know I know, I should be telling you that "so and so is good blah blah blah" and that "murder, killing, etc is wrong" D=< but do you want to know why I try to eschew telling you that? It's because you do what you want, I hope I did bring you up to at least understand actions and consequences, understand that yes if you are going to do something that's "wrong" there will be consequences and that is what should ultimately affect your decision to do anything.

I guess I believe I'm just doing the right thing and all, and yeah I'll admit to really just making stuff up as I go along, not really having a game plan in parenthood but yeah, maybe it's because I didn't really have a father, sure in my early years I did but I guess when you're a teenager and discovering things and self reflecting that's when you need somebody, if anybody to provide you with a little guidance but don't ask me how it's done because I've never experienced it for myself so once again, I'm sorry my child.

Just know that I'll always try my best and give you the guidance you need

Trade shop

2011-04-13T10:00:00.002+01:00

Seriously, getting annoyed with the wait for mods or anyone to approve my trade shop but yeah yeah I suppose I do understand why the wait is necessary or even there in the first place, I guess it's going to be filled with kids who don't read the rules and fill it up with threads which clearly DON'T FOLLOW THE RULES, that being said, there are adults who do the same but yeah...just waiting and waiting, besides the sooner I get this open, the sooner I'll get my good IVs legendaries to battle with.

Maybe it's because of all the people that they deal with but certain mods can come across as a bit arrogant and tripping off on power and it's just one of the reasons I dislike it when I see people suck up to mods or just authority figures in general, I mean geez, they don't have any power, people only just perceive them as having power and just go along with it, which of course in turn leads the person of authority to actually believe that they are untouchable and eurgh, they get power mad.

So yeah, that's pretty much why I don't really like positions of authority and I suppose is a reason why I act with impunity towards them...by them, I mean ones who believe that by their being in that position they automatically Have the right to lord it over people.

But come on now, it’s been a week since I posted it, I checked and yes I did follow all the million rules you have, I know that you’ve barely done much regarding trade shops in the last week because I’ve only seen 2 new ones open, surely there can’t be that many that broke the rules and all but what gets me is that there is no way of finding out which one a person might have broken as there is no feedback, they pretty much say, “If it has been a long time then assume your thread broke the rules and try again.” Well firstly “a long time” is defined differently to everyone and for me a week is long enough (and even then I was being generous) and secondly if a person doesn’t know what rules were broken how exactly are they going to improve the second time? That logic just does not work in real life. At. All

Alas…my wait continues

Yours is a drill which will pierce the heavens

2011-04-13T01:46:00.001+01:00

Pokémon, Pokémon, Pokémon. If you're looking for a reason why this hasn't been updated often recently then quite frankly as well as being surprised that you're still checking this site, it's also because there are now 156 little beasts of war to capture and enslave to do my bidding. I'm not going to talk about Pokémon this post seeing as I get the feeling that Emily is quite sick of me talking about them and all but that's what mode and phase I'm in now.

What I will talk about is giving up. Yes, giving up, something that happens to me more often than I can count and most of the times I genuinely don't know about it. As you may or may not know, I have returned to the football scene after a long time out and quite frankly yesterday I felt like Andrei Arshavin, that I used the hot shit, yes that hot burning shit, I would strut around like I owned the pitch and that nobody could touch me, oooohh no, but now, I'm fallible, yes, I am no longer that hot prospect when I first started all this. One reason for this I believe is because I am losing interest in the game and that I'm more and more realising that it's not my scene. I like playing it but my fitness and knee is dragging me doooowwwn, everyone says that I should just take my time and ease my way in but NUTS TO THAT, I AM THE GODDAMN JASON! I'll come good when I say I'll come good. No seriously, I will. I refuse to be one of those guys that people talk about being amazing until a knee injury cut short his career.

Well, until the next time I play that is....

Wax + Legs = Pain

2011-04-08T01:49:00.000+01:00

Well, that's another memo for myself, "what's that" I hear you ask?

Leg waxing. Yeah. Not doing that again, I mean yes I do love you and all Emily but never again. I think should I ever want to get rid of the hairs on my legs I'll stick to shaving it off....not implying that I do in the first place but I reckon I would prefer that.

So anyway seeing as it's Friday, Friday and how I gotta get down on Fr*shot*

Yeah seeing as it's Friday, my mind turns to the weekend and my football matches, that's right, matches not match, I have two football matches one on Saturday and the other on Sunday.

Do I expect to play both? No, not really, I'm still far from match fitness I believe, I think I may be a sub in the first match against Bromley maybe getting a ten minute run out I guess and then start the Oxford match on Sunday, playing the majority of that match but alas we shall see.

Last week I was very surprised to play as long as I did versus St Johns but I'm glad I did as it just gets me back in the groove of things, disappointed that I did not score two goals as I only had two opportunities in the game, the first being me being smart and anticipating the defender failing the head the ball away while I controlled it neatly with my left foot before chipping the goalkeeper with my right, unfortunately a defender was on hand to clear the ball off the line...plus it was offside (it wasn't) according to the linesman.

My second opportunity came in similar circumstances to the first, not offside this time but probably should have held a lot more composure to shoot earlier before a defender got the chance to block it but ah well.

So all in all I feel good I got to play that long and hope to be back not only completing full ninety minute games but contributing majorly in some way.

Positive and negative

2011-03-05T21:41:00.001Z

So a neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink and asks how much it is and the barman replies "For you, no charge"

(BOOOOOO, GERROFFF THE STAGE!!!)

I got a call today and what was that for? Well it's for Yoomoo and an interview after they read my CV and come Monday I'll see what my job situation will be like then so I'm hoping for the best and I will go all out and really try to get this thing...which brings me to the thing I was thinking about in the first place. Me.

Yes yes I know I know, I think about myself a lot and yes I am incredibly self centred and all that but in a way I think that it's a good thing in some ways because, it's because I think about myself so much that my biggest critic is me and only me, you would not believe the amount of criticism I hurl at myself, I am very rarely satisfied with my own performance whatever it is and always believe I could have done things better and more efficiently and what not.

I also genuinely believe in myself and my abilities, I strongly believe that my limit is non existent and that I can do anything given motivation, time and a lot of other factors. I feel this way constantly, when I do tests and exams, no matter if I go out all out and try hard, I always manage to convince myself that no I didn't, I can do better, that I should have revised more or whatever because I can do it, I never see a reason why I can't do it...ever. This trait is also apparent whenever I play football too as at the end of every match (pre injury), I would feel disappointed whenever I did not get man of the match, because it felt to me that people were just over looking my contribution to the game and my influence but at the same time I believe that yes I did do good but I could've done more.

I suppose that means that when I did get it I would be happy right? Wrong, whenever I got it I would feel that I could do massively better and that I'm being awarded it on some basis that I really did not want to be judged for, like I didn't get man of the match for the "right" reasons.

So that's me yeah, do I feel that people do not understand me? Well duh of course, I think of myself as being very simple and complex at the same time. I apologise if that last sentence came across as being whiny and that (no I don't but whatever), but I say this because as I was thinking about myself today, mainly my attitude I don't know, but it seems to me that people just consider me a negative person but I digress, I think of myself as a realistic, oft mistaken for in these times and that if anything, I'm more positive than negative, no the sky is not collapsing and no there aren't pigs flying but it's true I think. I don't think that I intentionally make comments of the negative variety it's just that negativity and realism is such a fine line that it's easy to mistake one for the other, in times of hardship I will try and focus on the positive, I'd think and tell of an example but right now I believe that my time on this is up so in the words of a Liverpudlian presenter, ta-ra for now.

The Samba Magician is back

2011-03-05T21:37:00.001Z

Ahhh, a return to the big time....okay maybe not but this is the next best thing right? Right? Okay maybe not but whatever, I'm back baby and I'm here to kick ass and chew bubble-gum......and I'm all out of gum. *checks pockets* No, wait wait, I've got some, I've got some. So my first match is up against Farnborough or some sort, like I say to everyone, I never actually care about the team we face, I just turn up, do my business and that's pretty much it, opposition just does not interest me.

Rightio, time to play methinks...

Aaaaand, now I'm done and feels good being back playing football and just as I expected fitness was a bit of an issue but it was all good. We won 3-2 after being 2-0 down but you didn't come here to read about how the team did, you came here to read about me right...or, maybe not, fine in my opinion the team didn't do so well in the first half especially as the PASSION and GRIT™ just was not there but more importantly to a player of my type, the skill or lack of it was missing, passing and just keeping possession of the ball, it reminded of why exactly I think watching football especially as a substitute is boring and dull....not to mention I'm freezing my nutsacks as well standing on the side-lines. Before long we were down 2-0 and as per usual I'm having dreams of dragging the team back to a stupendous victory.

The second half however perked up mainly because I was linesman for a bit and got a run out in the last 10 minutes but by that time we already had came back by 3 goals so there was not much for me to do but run about and do some passing (which I did well I believe) and take a shot but the less said about that the better.

My aim is to get fit and reclaim the metaphorical throne, why? Because I'm Jason Mycroft and you should accept no substitutes. No seriously, I just want to be able to play with no fear and be good at what I do, so I've made this step and now the only way to go is up. Up indeed.

We Are Lasers

2011-03-04T11:07:00.001Z

Lupe Fiasco has always been one of my favourite artists in music, his storytelling, wordplay and metaphoric rhymes have always been one to make me actually listen and pay attention to his songs so of course I was going to be pretty hyped for Lasers (Love Always Shines Everywhere, Remember 2 Smile)...whenever it was going to come out.

On first impressions, I was always going to be disappointed with the album as it had release date problems and label issues meant I was worried about how exactly this would turn out. I heard Shining Down and liked it but it was obvious that it was a song for radio and all that, I also heard I'm Beaming which I also liked but again, was a song for the radio but it was all good, but I was still waiting for the album.

Then I got wind of the track list and such is the recent trend that's been going round, it was 12 tracks.

No. No. And no. Getting hyped up for this album for 12 tracks, I was somewhat disappointed as I don't know, I was expecting a 15+ album but what can you do. Upon further inspection of the track listing you had to note the complete lack I'm Beaming and Shining Down (later added as bonus tracks) and no Matthew Santos or Gemstones. This was going to be different, wait what. Trey Songz is one of the guests? Oh...kay, that's worrying. Sway is on it? Interesting, I was curious to hear how that goes as I want to hear how Sway's style would fit into it. This will be an interesting album.

Then Words I Never Said and All Black Everything came out and I had sort of learned from the My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy saga not to listen to it as it will spoil my listening of the album and there weren't many tracks on the album so I wanted to enjoy it as a whole. Anyway, after finally listening to the album, I felt slightly...meh, nothing special here, my most liked tracks being the bonus tracks, 'Words I Never Said', 'Never Forget You' and 'All Black Everything' and the others were okay, not brill but okay with lots of people slating 'I Don't Wanna Care Right Now' and the use of auto tune. I conceded that this wasn't a patch on Food & Liquor and The Cool but I think that was expected but was the album going to be consigned to the graveyard on my iPod along with others or would it be getting constant plays at various times?

It's not horrendous, no, not at all, in fact it's starting to grow on me, even that Trey Songz song 'Outta My Head' and that I do like some of the tracks but then when I give recent tracks like SLR (TEN FO'!), Fire, We Can Do It Now and Go To Sleep, I just think, it could have been better and that.

Here's hoping his next few albums are amazing again, right now I'm going to listen to it all again.

Return to football

2011-03-02T23:03:00.000Z

So I'm making my return to football training after around a year out and I'm pretty nervous but hopefully I'll come through it unscathed and all. Also pretty excited because if I do get through it, I'll be glad to be back playing football again.

A little while later...

Well I'm still here, no ill effects, not from sprinting, not from kicking, nor from twisting and turning however this was all done without a support band for my knee which I don't think I shall do ever again. I also think that maybe it was due to my fitness...or lack of it really that I didn't really try too hard or anything, which means I didn't really push myself to the limits which I'm hoping to do so over time as being fit is better than not being it (duuhhh, what next, the sky is blue?). So right now as I sit on the train the back of my knee feels a bit sore but that's merely just because it hasn't been used vigorously and the muscles will need to put in their fair shift now I have less cartilage than before. What I do hope is that my knee and my performance goes back to what it was before it all happened so then I can update this here blog with exploits of my matches and all that.

To be honest I could just shy away and not put in much effort and just be a background player but fuck that, I'm going all out for this, it'll benefit me in the long run.

Not so final

2011-01-11T22:25:00.000Z

Okay okay, I'm back, finally completed Final Fantasy XIII 100% and gotten all achievements, it wasn't that hard, the only one that took a while was really the treasure hunting achievement which required me to have,all weapons and accessories at some point in the game cue the time consuming act of upgrading weapons and items that I hadn't yet upgraded. Even had to do it twice because the first time I had actually ran out of money and truthfully was a bit wasteful with the points.
So now that is done I don't really need to play it again for a long long while, only for the story which...wasn't that epic but still, challenges or speedruns which I don't feel like doing with this game.
 
The next game I'll be tackling on the Xbox whenever I feel like it will be Dante's Inferno, an adventure based on the Divine Comedy. Despite whether this game was good or not and the fact that it's a hack and slash sort of adventure, I was always going to play this as I'm a sucker for historical and mythology based games...well, in certain time periods. As I think more about it and my history lesson in schools I guess I felt a bit mislead in what era of history we'd be studying but learning about the French Revolution was really just...well, boring, not enough sense of adventure for me, just learning about laws and similar political things. Ancient history just fascinates me and if I'm playing a game or watching a film or reading a book and having fun at the same time then that's all good I can learn something and even read up more about it and it's all good.
 
Of course I did get a lot of others to go with it and all for cheap, such is the benefit of being behind gaming wise, you don't have to spend absurd prices for new games, so I got myself Dante's Inferno, Bayonetta (another hack and slash but since it's gotten rave reviews I figured I may as well try it, plus it was cheap), Mirror's Edge (yes I am sooo late to this party but at 4 pounds I figured I can't lose), Assassin's Creed (something I've been meaning to try), The Orange Box (I guess I'll see for myself why the cake is a lie) and finally Zak and Wiki.
 
Now, Zak and Wiki is the only Wii game I got (not counting Madworld seeing as I got that afterwards and ordered that online) and I have a problem with that, why? Because the Wii I know has far better games than Family Party Games or the Ninjabread Man (seriously?), most of these are core Nintendo titles and there are others that I wish to try, I'm not a huge fun of Metroid like I am of other titles but they are still games I wish to try out regardless but the problem being, you cannot find them anywhere in shops oohh noo, probably understandably because they isn't a great variety and thus those are more likely to be gone but even so, Super Mario Galaxy for 30 pounds? No. I don't think so, yes yes, it's an amazing game that won lots of awards but no, I refuse to pay more than 20 pounds for a game that came out when the Wii was launched and has already gotten a sequel thus should really be diminishing the price because of that.


Epic Mickey, Kirby's Epic Yarn and Sonic Colors (American spelling urgh but unavoidable) are a little too recent to be a cheap prices so I'll wait it out despite my doubts it'll ever get cheaper than a tenner but I'll wait it out regardless, BUT WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD CHEAP GAMES? This is just why I was disappointed with the Wii after buying it simply so I'd be able to play Brawl I was hoping that by the time I tired of it there'd be a good amount of other good games for me to try and quite frankly the choice for me isn't that huge.

It’s time for CHANGE?

2010-12-13T02:43:00.001Z

So yeah I’m back and the operation went…well? Probably, nobody told me if it did or maybe they did but I was just so out of it that I might have forgot. So while being under the effects of anaesthetic was an interesting one and made me wonder about being knocked out and all and how that’s just amazing, this whole knee deal with the swollenness and the pain is a bit of a bummer but hey at least I’ll actually be able to fully straighten my leg after this which thinking about it is actually quite exciting as I haven’t been able to do that in three years.

My recovery is going okay I guess, I haven’t really been about to do the physiotherapy exercises on account of the pain and it just not physically being possible to actually lift it for any of the exercises but since it’s getting better I should be able to do some of them now and all, hoping to be able to walk if not shuffle about within the next few days but I still have to take it easy though. But I’m actually quite excited and positive about what I’ll be able to do and all now.

But of course things haven’t gone swimmingly in regards to life outside that and of course some behaviour just baffles and astounds me and just well…it bothers me and makes me feel a bit sick to the stomach.

Last night was no doubt a rough night for Emily but to be honest after what’s happened as I write this and even before then I’m in mental torment and anguish. Why? Well because you’ve told me that your parents do n- greatly dislike me.

How do I feel about it? If I’m honest, I feel a lot of things about it…and my problem is whether I share these feelings or not, whether I keep them to myself or not and all these things. It’s just there’s never a good solution…I say “good” but really let’s be honest, one way or another someone is going to be upset.

Where do I start really. Well first of all, I’m not surprised they don’t like me, I actually can tell if someone dislikes me and all and yeah…that does not bother me, no siree, after all why would it? People are complex beings with emotions and moral fibres and reasoning that affect their judgements and perspectives on life and of course other people so individuals will have their likes and dislikes about others.

Of course though, I am annoyed, why? Well the reasons you gave me and all, well just frankly, I don’t know. I’m always miserable? Fine whatever, that’s just how I am. I do not see myself as being miserable, I see myself as being a realist and somewhat pragmatic, sure I can see why it’s mistaken for being miserable but if anything it’s just a clash in personalities which I tend to experience a whole lot with people and…look I’m drifting off here, what I’m going to say is pretty much I’m sorry but things like that I’m always miserable or that I don’t say much, no. Naah, I don’t care, I’m not changing. I thought about it, it’s not a case of saying more talking to everyone and that, I just let things flow and I’m that’s just how I am. If I had something to say then I’d say it but I don’t, maybe we just don’t really have much in common or much things to really talk about but I’m sorry but I’m not going to change it because I’m not going to change who I am.

Anyway, that job thing is also pissing me off because I’m sorry, what do they really know about my life and how I’ve been searching for a job. It’s not even that I’m not doing anything though Emily and her family might just agree that it’s laziness or whatever which by the way I hate that tag especially as it’s used in such a majorly negative sense but I’m annoyed with me being called that because everyone has different ideas of being lazy is. Right now I’m applying for jobs whenever I can, if employers don’t want to get back to me, how does that deem me lazy? Just before we went to bed last night Emily told to apply for Sainsbury’s which not only had I done that but applied for places like Morrisons, Boots, Gamecentral, Blockbusters and all that, but nothing. I go to the library to look up jobs and that and there are just many jobs that I really wouldn’t be suitable for e.g store protection, hairdressers or they require experience and/or a bit more qualification for managerial job and that but nooo I’m being lazy.

Naah, I went to this place the other day after seeing someone about my improving my CV, this was to go on computer courses in an effort to gain and update more qualifications, just basically, I have been doing things and being proactive. If people want to hate me because I don’t have a job yet, go ahead but I’m not going to waste any of my time with these people. If I don’t fit their ideas of a desired human specimen then that’s not my problem, I am what I am.

Finally maybe that just took the piss but was really “I say umm before answering any questions” Well gee, pardon me for having a tic or whatever. Maybe it’s a confidence thing and I don’t really commit my answers? Maybe it’s a deaf thing and I’m just making sure what I heard was correct and I’m actually answering the questions. But to dislike someone because of that? Just seems superficial to me, people have tics and carry themselves in different ways, I don’t think I find them annoying, just interesting to be honest.

So what now then? The answer to you then is that I should change my character. No. It’s not going to happen. I don’t think I could and it would seem to forced to me and go completely against my nature. I am not a fake person and what you see is really, what I am. You may not like it or you might do, but I’m not going to change. I understand the consequences but quite frankly I shouldn’t even be there if I have to completely change who I am just to spend time with you, that’s just not- and because you’ve told me this, the atmosphere is not one I’d like to be around to be honest so no.

Sure, I’ll look at getting my own place, but who knows how long that’ll take that to be honest I just don’t really see any quick or good way past this or whatever.

The thing I console myself with and the reason why I haven’t actually made a complete 100% decision yet on what to do is because maybe I don’t know the full story and all. Maybe there’s something I’m missing, but I don’t know. I’m just very disappointed and annoyed at all this.

See, you could die due to anything really everyday but when you’re doing risky stuff you think about it more

2010-12-08T06:30:00.000Z

This was actually scheduled to go up on the 14th but since the date has been brought forward this post will be brought forward too

So this is it, the day before I go inside. I know it’s not even a life threatening procedure but I just can’t help thinking “what if?” or “Will I be here tomorrow?” and similar questions. The plan is to wake up tomorrow with a hole in my knee, small price to pay though but you know I think what if I died? I know if I died I shouldn’t…worry? Care? Well…I can’t anyway seeing as I won’t be aware of myself to experience that or whatever…basically I got to thinking what would people make of me? You’re always thinking that you know someone when the curveball that has “death” labelled on it comes your way. The question is, do you preserve your memory of them with what you know or do you dig deeper into the murky territory and potentially unravel some things that you might possibly wish you never knew?

Of course humans being humans, they’ll never really listen to advice and always want to experience things for themselves, to see if that cat is really alive or dead and then lament and rue the fact that there wasn’t enough warning. That nobody really tried to stop them…but heh, the more you try to keep things a secret, the more people want to know about it. It’s just human nature. That very nature that we end up regretting at some crucial point in our lives.

So either this is my last post or I’ll cross this bridge unhindered and see you on the other side, only time will tell.

Neeeeeedles

2010-12-07T18:24:00.001Z

Eurgh, blood tests, I learned things about it today. What's that you ask (nobody asked that but I'm going to answer anyway) I still don't like needles. When I was told that they'd need to take a bit of my blood I was apprehensive and felt at unease. When the nurse went to get the equipment for it I had a little think to myself and asked myself, why didn't I like needles and injections, what was it about them that put me right off them because I had forgotten...yeah.
I remembered as soon as the needle went in, it was just eurgh... Anyway tomorrows the day! Yay!

Earlier than expected

2010-12-07T15:21:00.001Z

Update time, so I got this call today from the Royal Free Hospital and GOOD NEWS, there's actually an earlier slot I can take for my surgery which is actually tomorrow rather than next week but every day counts so I took that slot. I could be back earlier than I thought...huh, feels weird to know that I could soon be playing football again if it all goes to plan but I'm happy if it means I can. First I need to do the pre-op first which I'm on my way to as I type this and will have done already when this gets posted up.

Also I got Tekken 6 and Final Fantasy XIII for my Xbox and got rid of Pro Evolution Soccer as it was just bad, might get it later at a reduced price if I feel like it but we'll see. Played Tekken 6 for the first time last night and first impressions are...it's bloody impossible to read the text on a standard definition television so while I struggle to make heads or tails of the commands and that the gameplay is not bad, takes a fair bit of getting used to with the Xbox controller. Haven't really done much with it yet, just watched the opening movie for scenario campaign, completed arcade mode with Zafina and just been in practise mode a whole lot but I think I like it.

Sure it's different to previous editions in that all the characters a unlocked from the start which means I don't get the sense of excitement at unlocking someone new but I guess it does mean I can pick whoever I want to. Next up is FFXIII and I eagerly await the next chapter in this instalment and hope it's just as much fun to play and the story is just as gripping as the previous games in the storyline.

Still has that annoyingly loud hum though

2010-12-06T12:36:00.001Z

So now I have my Xbox 360 and Nintendo Wii back from Lee I can play things on them really during the evenings and nights I’m not doing anything. YAY!

The only downside of it all is no internet connection which means can’t really go only with most of these games but meh that’s alright to be honest I can deal with that. Got sooo many good games I need to catch up with and all that.

My weekend also consisted of updating my CV and job hunting which I’m hoping maybe some employers will actually get back to me but ya know.

So I got to play all sorts of games like Left 4 Dead 2 and that’s still and fun and exciting as ever so I think I’ll be sticking with that. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, the game that everyone raves about about that…yeah, that’s sort of put me off that as did the fact that it’s a serious first person shooting game and I find them to be quite dreary so I don’t think I will have much love for that but I’ll try and complete it but it really isn’t my sort of game. I also learned that perhaps I need to get some more games for the Wii as Mario Kart and Super Smash Brothers Brawl isn’t really cutting it anymore, Sonic Colours looks interesting though so I might consider that

Finally there was Pro Evolution Soccer 2011 which yeah…no, that’s awful and is going back. I don’t have much patience for that anymore and I’ll see if I can get something else for that. Just awful.

But what lies in wait for today though?

Well today should involve me going various places and hoping signing on for a computer course and that which no doubt will help my qualifications a bit, more job hunting and all that jazz.

Really? Qatar?

2010-12-03T14:24:00.002Z

So England will not be hosting the 2018 World Cup which may or may not be a surprise depending on how closely a person has been following the news and all the allegations of corruption by the British media and all.
Russia I suppose yeah, I think that’s a good choice as they’ve never hosted a World Cup before and will be interesting to see how it’s handled. Now I know it’s a World Cup so country from all parts of the world should get a chance to host it but I have to admit it came as a bit of a surprise to me that Qatar would be hosting it in 2022. Where to begin? Well for starters I would have gone to Australia if FIFA wanted to give it to somewhere that’s never hosted it before, but Qatar? Really? Ah well, I hope that they do a good job of hosting it as do Russia but you can’t help feel a bit annoyed at it all. Quite frankly I was not following the news of corruption and all this bidding process too closely but it does make me wonder why go through the whole process of wanting to take games around the world and to as many different countries in the first place and then string certain countries along with it. No doubt it will seem even more annoying when it found out how much was spent on this bidding process to then eventually feel that you never even had a chance in the first place.
I’ll stop there as this really isn’t something I should be following, my interest is playing the sport and watching the big events but it is cringe-worthy when you go onto Facebook and see all the comments being made on it and *shudders* No. Just no.
So I guess it’ll be some time (if ever) that I’ll witness a World Cup on my doorstep but there’s still the Olympics what with the traffic and price increases and the over crowdedness…Hmm maybe it’s better England didn’t get it.

YEAHHHH

2010-12-02T11:34:00.001Z

YOU KNOW WHAT!? I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT, ALL I HAVE TO DO IS APPLY MYSELF TO IT.

THE SKY IS MY LIMIT!!!

My song choices II

2010-12-01T08:20:00.001Z

One song that’s been getting heavy play on my iPod recently is a G.O.O.D Friday track form Kanye West which features various guests. Christian Dior Denim Flow by Kanye West with John Legend, Pusha T, Ryan Leslie, Lloyd Banks and Kid Cudi is one that I suppose I would be disappointed that it didn’t make the cut for the album but nonetheless it’s still song that I will very much like and if I had a car, I would be playing this in it.

November 2010 roundup

2010-11-30T10:58:00.001Z

Well, this month has certainly been a more constructive one in comparison to last year. You know, 2009 wasn’t really a good year for myself but was 2010 any better? Yes it’s something that should be reserved for the end of the year but I think back and then I think at how quickly time flies and that a whole year comes and goes and finally what exactly is in store for next year.

It’s funny how life turns out the way it does especially the naive and ignorant times you spend in your youth, you never really expect it to turn out exactly like you want it to…unless you’ve achieved your dreams then congratulations there’s still another 999,999 people for every one of you who won’t. Some will have just enough so that not fulfilling their dreams is an acceptable loss, some won’t but ah well.

November is…was a pretty decent month but December is the month that will change everything. Everything.

So no-one told you life was gonna be this waaaaay…

2010-11-28T08:20:00.002Z

I have to wonder whether it’s nostalgia or something but there are sometimes when you think “Oh the old ones were the best” or something similar along those lines and just the other day I thought that about Friends. Not friends as in chums, mates or buddies but Friends the TV show that’s constantly being played on E4 at every opportunity it gets. Personally I tend to eschew watching Friends if there’s anything else on, in fact I try to avoid watching it if it’s on television full stop, simply for the reasoning that I have probably seen all the episodes already if not at least twice. If I have missed any episodes then my guess would be that it’d be one of the later series but to me it’s not quite the same.

Watching it, I can’t help but notice the charm it has in comparison to the newer series, I thought lines were actually funny and better constructed. The characters were more interesting and it didn’t feel like a blatant comedy show. I don’t know how to describe that last point other than to say that there are times when shows are just simply played for laughs and have no point or purpose to it other than to get “hahahahaha”.

This isn’t exclusive to Friends but it applies to other TV shows and even other forms of media, I do understand why people lament today’s media, criticising everything from tired storylines, lack of originality, dumbed down or whatever have you but you also have to ask maybe it’s because you’re growing up and your perspective of the world changes and so does how you see things like music or films hence why we may believe that a certain time was better than another. Maybe we are just becoming more grumpier in life or maybe we are actually looking deeper than we used to into things. Whatever the reason for it is……

…damn, I had a good closing sentence but it’s just evaporated from my head as quick as it entered. Plus I was in the zone too. Never mind.

Return to form?

2010-11-27T08:40:00.002Z

SUCCESS! HURRAH! Finally a date has been given to me for my knee thing and that date is 15th December. It scary to think that after 3 years of this pain in my knee, it is this close to getting fixed, almost feel a bit scared to be excited or even to think about it. Or even to talk about it. Why? Because it’s hope…and the thing about hope is that if you take that away from someone, it hurts more than anything else ever could. Okay maybe that’s a bit of a hyperbole but the thing is, this is something that I want to get to a soon as possible. This is a bridge I want to cross as soon as I can and then and then do I want to reflect on my journey here and the possibilities that await.

Anyway, just reading Lullaby after finishing Invisible Monsters and yeah, while the book [Invisible Monsters] was interesting and full of twists, it probably will not be a favourite of mine.

Not that I hated it but we’ll see after I actually digest it which can take a while to do so but the good thing about it is that I’m starting to get back into reading and so hoping I’ll go on a run or something then I can read the books I' have but have yet to actually start reading and to scope out some libraries for more reading material.

That’s what’s up girl

2010-11-26T12:37:00.001Z

Do you know sometimes you’ll mock me and all but do you know what’s difficult? Knowing stuff, understanding stuff, having a high need for cognition, wanting to understand why things work, how things work. Psychology and even a bit of sociology, I am so glad that I studied that. I can’t even tell if I was being a bit sarcastic with that last sentence there but maybe that’s because I don’t know.

You see, what happened today, or rather yesterday well, I don’t want to want to come across all smug and in an “I told you so” manner but I feel sort of justified and that my feelings and things that I thought would happen, well that they did. You see, I do feel that I know what I’m talking about when it comes to some stuff that people just see me as being negative, critical or whatever but if I didn’t feel that that then I would not be saying these things.

I’m not going to say “I told you so” or anything like that and there are times that I really wish people would listen and not just hear me, I mean actually listen to what I’m saying but I guess it’s just the nature of people isn’t it? They all want to open the box and see the cat for themselves.

In regards to you Emily, yes I really did see your point, I did understand, I did know your pain that you weren’t known and how it was affecting you, I wasn’t oblivious to it but you see, when you’re me and you think things out objectively and that you get put in a position where all the options you can take are going to be…messy ones, that no matter what you do the status quo will be affected in some way. When I can see the choices and it makes me feel a bit conflicted inside. This isn’t just in regards to yesterday but in other things that I deny you. I’m really sorry for all of it, sometimes I wish I didn’t have to make the choice but alas.

I hope you can understand a little of why I do certain things and not do others, perhaps you might feel I could go about it better or something, in a different way, but every single time I struggle which the choice of the best option to take, I try and do for the greater good sometimes.

Today is just a day in my journey

2010-11-25T16:48:00.001Z

It really is overwhelming for me looking up courses to enrol on. As part of my quest for world domination, I need to start of small and do something in the meanwhile or at least until next year but I am just so overload with stuff that I feel caught in headlights. Plus there’s the fact that I don’t really know how to look them up but I’ll persist anyway.

After that talk from the Career Guidance thing, I thought doing a computer based course or something would be a good thing to do, you know, upgrade qualifications and all that but AHHHHHHHHH! Where do I go? Okay so I tried to do it the other way then, I’d look at a college and then see what course they had to offer but that wasn’t really much help, I’ll need to search a bit more in a second but AHHHHHH!

I also have to do a bit more thinking about stuff between me and Emily, I wrote some stuff, like my thoughts and all which will go up tomorrow but I still need to think some more about solutions or something, just something.

Finally I also need to sign in tomorrow at the Jobcentre and I got to thinking, did I need to apply for all the jobs now or what? I never really expected my life to go this way but do you know what’s in my very head at the moment? Journeys. Yeah, let me explain. In my head I have this picture of me still updating these entries and I’m talking about years and years from now, like when I’m disgustingly filthy rich and see the journey I’ve taken. Hopefully it’ll be one of improvement in whatever it is but it’ll be good for me to see how I’ve changed and the struggles and trials I’ve had to endure to getting there because I am going to be rich. Oh yes I am, that is a fact, I’m determined to get it, no matter the cost. If I can live the good life, never will I have to worry about certain things ever again.

See you on the other side.

My Album Choices

2010-11-25T13:21:00.002Z

Albums. They can be so many things, whether it’s just a collection of songs put together by the artist, whether it,s a story trying to be told or whatever, album fulfil so many uses.

Nowadays with the ease that you can pull apart an album, sometimes a whole album isn’t really listened to. There are songs where sure it’s not good and to your own tastes it’s pretty poor and as an individual song it’s not up to much but what it does have is that it fits in with the rest of the album which can boost my liking of a song for me. I like to think of an album as a journey and that I allow the songs on it take me on that journey, a good album for me is one that takes me there successfully while I’ve heard albums that have good songs, as a whole it’s meh.

Anyway I got to thinking about albums and despite my never having favourites in anything really I attempted with a top albums I like, I wanted to really think about it, really listen to it and decide what were in fact my most loved albums and not what the critics and the fanbase deemed the best albums. Never really understood how you can do that really as people will have different experiences in life which meant they would look at an album in a different perspective to another but anyway here goes.

Outkast- Stankonia

This is actually the last physical copy of an album I have ever brought…ever. Even when it was preferred that I downloaded my music so it could go on my iPod I still brought this album. I remember the scene so well, I had gone in HMV in Newbury and I had a five pound note in my pocket and wasn’t really planning on buying anything, I was just browsing through really and this caught my eye and I thought, “Why not?”. I am so glad I made that decision.

There is not a single song I hate on this album, all the songs with the exception of We Luv Deez Hoes have a 4 star or more and it would be a 4 and half star if I could do that but I can’t. It actually has the most 5 star songs (9) on the album than any other album I have, they all have a sufficient number of plays on it and I just love it to bits.

My favourite in terms of play count is Toilet Tisha but as I looked at that I thought wait…this doesn’t actually count the amount of times I listened to B.O.B on the CD’s, previous iPods and video games it featured in but that really would be another of my favourites on this album if not all time favourite song.

The whole album is just simply amazing, whether it’s the duo going back and forth on Spaghetti Junction, members of the Goodie Mobb also getting in on the action on Gangster Shit or whether it’s the final song Stankonia (Stank Love), this is just an amazing album to listen to and one I will never ever get bored of listening to at all.

To You

2010-11-25T02:53:00.000Z

Hmm…hmm. How do I feel?

How can I best express what it is that I’m feeling?

How can I get points out of my head? Things that stick with me but I have no words to describe it. Just the emotions.

Where do I even begin? How do I even begin to structure this?

You see, the thing is the past few weeks we’ve been arguing more and more.Things have just gotten less and less pleasant between us. Why?

You say it’s me and I say…it’s me. What can be done to solve it? I don’t know. I just don’t know.
On Tuesday night I had a mini think to myself and I said yeah there was something wrong, I needed to rediscover that love I had for you, I had to look at pictures of you to reignite that love because I think I loved you less than I did at the start…my attitude to you had somewhat changed.

I found you annoying at times, your flaws kept popping up at my face, I couldn’t stop thinking negative things, I try to keep things locked up because I don’t know how else I could deal with it. I say flaws but it’s really just the sort of person you are, just like your lack of confidence and the fact you get disheartened when you hear bad things about yourself meant that discussing it with you was problematic.

I wish I didn’t notice these things. I wish I could find it easier to deal with people. I wish I wasn’t do flawed and didn’t feel so different in some ways.

It’s funny, people will spend their whole life wishing to be somebody, somebody that stands out from the crowd, whereas me I just want to fit in at times. No I am not trying to say I’m different or anything but sometimes I can feel it with my immediate crowd, what I mean by that is the group of friends the you surround yourself with at school or college, your family, the local people in your area. People more relevant to you, to your life right now. I wish I didn’t have to think so much about things, to question things…if anything last year was probably the worse thing that could have happened to me in terms of how I deal with people.

You’re probably reading that and thinking “oh there he goes again, being miserable, wallowing, self-pitying” but you know what?…That’s who I am. That’s me. Maybe you wouldn’t have said yes then would you.

But anyway, my name is Jason and I think. I overthink. It’s why I’m so downbeat and just bleh at times. I strive to find answers and meanings in behaviours and actions. You know, I’m not sure if you actually did know about this but I was supposed to see a psychiatrist around this time last year after I got a letter from them, I can only assume that my family arranged the appointment and just didn't really discuss with me…oh they did but it would have involved shouting and arguments and making people feel bad.

The point of that tale was really me asking myself why am I like this is there something “wrong” with me? Do I have a syndrome or mental disorder that makes me like this? Is it the winter? It must be something and part of me is scared to find out but another part wants to find out but knows I will just reject it. This is in no way meant to make you feel sorry for me but there must be something wrong with me…why else have I found the need to push you further and further away from me? Why else do I feel like telling you to leave me alone? I just feel so far away from you, so distant. Not close to you at all.

What is it? What is it? What is it? What’s changed? Why do I want to tell you things that will hurt you but frustrate me oh so much?

Do you know what it was? A circle. A cold vicious bloody emotional circle, I cannot say because I don’t know) when it started but it would be something like this You talk less and of less substance to me, I begin to resent you for not talking to me, I then don’t feel all happy or loved up, It reflects somewhat in my behaviour towards you, you feel like you don’t love me anymore and that you’re losing me which causes you to not say much to me for whatever reason and the cycle begins again. Of course I could be all wrong, it is 0222 as I’m typing this and I’ll need to get up early in the morning after all. Maybe I’ll feel differently tomorrow.

But yeah because of this cycle things started to bother me way more than they need to. I suppose you should skip this next part really.

Remember that night you felt like really really crying? 22nd it was, when I was just being mean? What annoyed me then was how you’ll say that yeah we’ll discuss it in the morning because you’re tired which I cannot blame you for but the thing is we never do. You also don’t listen to me, at least that’s what the bitter me feels, it could be completely wrong but you don’t believe with things, it wounds me that you no longer trust me I I say I love you and you don’t believe me which just makes me question it more, circles again. I say I said something and you don’t believe me it hurts me when I hear that…I wouldn’t lie to you about serious stuff, I just wouldn’t lie to you…You have a refusal to deal with things and do you know why I couldn’t give you some loving and I really struggled to say nice things? It was I was feeling destructive and angry, hurt and a whole load of bad things and I need to get away from you, I need to stop talking to you but you wouldn’t let me. Is that how you deal with the pain yourself? By thinking happy thoughts? By making others do the same? Sorry I’m not strong enough to do this, sorry it only makes me even more angry and I can’t support you. at times like that.

Finally, I read some our conversations and I just had to note the foreshadowing there.

Anyway I should sleep and will think some more later.

My song choices

2010-11-24T10:36:00.001Z

Yes yes, I’m years late to the party but every once in a while I will listen to a song and it will just grab me and I love it, this happens a lot of the times for all sorts of different reason which I probably explained in one of my earlier posts but anyway Between Me, You & Liberation by Common featuring Cee-Lo Green is a song that a few days ago I rated it five stars on my iPod and there it’ll stay. I guess for the first time I had the chance to really listen to the song and I mean really listen to it and you know what I love it. In the song he talks about sexual abuse, losing someone to cancer and his own homophobia and it’s an incredibly deep song which is always refreshing for me to listen to.

Thoughts of mine

2010-11-23T12:37:00.000Z

Yesterday was an eventful day for me, it started off full of promise really then went spiralling of into despair…maybe that was a bit too far but anyway I started with some phone calls to make, of course one being to the Royal Free hospital to see if they’ll DO SOMETHING ABOUT MY FRICKING KNEE! But alas, they’ve yet to look at my case and they’ll call me back as soon as they do. Oh goody(!) Asides that, I have sorted out an interview to sort out my jobseekers which means I can get a bit more professional help with looking for a job and have a bit of income coming in which no doubt will help me fund my addiction to cocaine and alcohol. No I’m kidding I do not have an addiction to them but it would be nice to have a bit of extra income coming in while I’m also searching for jobs.

Today, or rather yesterday I also had a careers guidance interview which was to help me in that step to figuring out what direction I want to take with my life and what exactly I want to do with it, I know earlier I said I was going to just to law but it was nice to talk to someone about career choices, I especially liked their analogy using trainers when it comes to choosing a career. I found it very helpful and while this is not to negatively criticise Mary Hare (my old school) but I found it much more helpful than they ever were in this sort of stuff. Part of it (they may argue that all of it) was my fault as I don’t think I was at a point where I really wanted to think about the future and was just enjoying what I had now seeing as how I knew that the future would be stacked with ridiculous stuff like debt, loans, tax and all that other mumbo jumbo and to be honest I don’t think they were all that fussed about me but again it could just be that my perception of it is slightly skewed.

Which brings to another point I wanted to make and yes I am going of in a tangent but oh well. Are we forced to think about life changing decisions too early? Do we even have a childhood anymore? It might just be me but things like choosing your GCSE’s when you’re in Year 9 and people placing so much importance on it is going to stress out some people especially at a time when you are still sort of enjoying your life, but ah well. I mean, you can always be planning for the future but sometimes you have got to ask yourself what if you don’t have a future, so many things could lead to your plans being all thrown off and that that I think enjoying yourself now is kind of important too. Not just that but, gah I’ve lost my train of thought…umm…yeah, I suppose it can be said that you could enjoy yourself now or work hard now so you don’t have to work as hard later but no, I sort of disagree with that as well, you’ll still be working as hard later on in life, you’ll still be doing boring stuff that you don’t want to do, there’ll be things like recessions and demands and that that might…no they will screw up your plans and affect you in a major way, as it stands it’s pretty much you’re born, you live, you die. Not really much time for fun, sure you have all the fun you want when you’re a child but that’s when you don’t really know much about the world and that, wouldn’t it be fun to have fun while you do actually know about the world and you sort of have a realistic idea about how it works because to me that would make it a lot more fun.

So anyway after all that me and Emily had another falling out. If there’s one thing that annoys me about myself, apart from all the other things it would be that things make so much more sense in my head, logic, explanations, everything is so much better when it’s trapped in my mind that when it’s time to reveal it externally it never is as good as it used to be, it isn’t as pure as the thought that was once in your head. You never really do take into account how others interpret the words, you never really do take into account how it sounds or which words to use when speaking it. It might just sound arrogant, conceited, excited, bored when you yourself knows how it sounds in your head. You yourself knows the emotions that, well I say should be felt when in you think it in your head. Inside your head are the answers and possibilities but the challenge is really articulating those thoughts in a manner that makes it just like the thoughts in your head. It’s why I sort of did this this because I wanted to just get things out as close to the thought that popped inside my head.

The point of that was just to really explain how things that make so much more sense in my head, things that have images, feelings and things you cannot express in spoken form but are vital to understanding the words that are spoken. They can be misconstrued and they end up causing problems, we argue far too much and while I have so many thoughts and things that I’d like to share with her to explain how I feel about things, it pains me to know that that will never ever be the case.

Slip ups

2010-11-22T16:04:00.001Z

And so a weekend comes and goes with Arsenal squandering a two-nil lead at home no less which was really disappointing. I suppose the defeat means the Premier League is more open especially with Chelsea also losing and the top positioned teams only being a few points away from each other but the thing is, for me it’s only exciting if this was in February or something. I personally would rather not a Man United or a Chelsea title (again) and would at least like to see Arsenal win the thing and if not Arsenal then someone else, I wouldn’t even mind seeing Tottenham win it if only for a bit of variety.

The thing is I wasn’t even that they lost to their rivals that makes it so disappointing it was just the fact that the never seem to take advantage of slip ups of their rivals and during the latter end of the season they are usually trailing the leaders and just fizzle out and have a pretty underwhelming end to the season.

Anyway the winter schedule now so this will be an important test for them to see if they can complete and be genuine title challengers. Manchester City I am hoping finishes in a Champions League spot, again for a bit of variety in the top of the table and Champions League spots. The problem with the league is that for the majority of the times it is quite predictable, sure things may change a bit but you can sort of tell exactly who is going to finish where at the end of the season.

As for my life, this week I’m hoping things swing in my direction and that fate blows me a favour or something. I could do with a little boost especially in the winter where I feel that times are going to be hard ahead.

Delays and some more delays

2010-11-18T13:09:00.001Z

A major setback to my return to sport occurred yesterday. Frustrated with the lack of information regarding my status on the waiting list for keyhole surgery on my knee I called up the Royal Free Hospital in order to gain more information and for my efforts I was rewarded with the information that I hadn’t even been put on the waiting list yet. So the last few months, complete waste, an absolute complete waste. I should have been on it since August 16th but nope, I have not so now they’ll call me back after looking at my details to see what is going to be done but I don’t really have that much faith that they’ll even call me back to be honest, either way I’ll leave it until Monday to do something about it.

Speaking of which, was it my fault? Should I have checked or something? Maybe I shouldn’t of had that much faith it the system because at the end of the day the system is massive let-down. But what could I do? I was told after seeing a doctor about it that they’ll add me onto it and I should hear from them within that timeframe. I even gave them a week or two just in case it was delayed or something but enough was enough and this quite frankly was a kick in the balls.

I had hoped to be back in football around December, January at the very latest but it seems I might have to start all over again with the waiting and even then I don’t really have a clue when I can be back and what sucks the most about it is that, it’s the only thing I can really do, the thing that I enjoy and without that…I don’t know. I even put on weight, I attribute that to lack of football and even then if I wasn’t doing football I would just go for a morning run most days to keep in shape but I can even do that because the pressure it puts on my knee so I’d like to thank the NHS really but I don’t want to be too critical especially in matters where I might not have the full story but this has sort of been hell. I miss football. I miss having a football at my feet. I miss going to training to work on becoming a better player. I miss getting up 9-10 in the morning on a cold and windy Saturday in order to travel on trains and buses in order to play a game of football. I miss coming back home all sweaty and tired but satisfied because no matter what match it was I tried hard and felt it was worth it. I miss thinking about the match I had and thinking on what I could have done better and everything. I miss having that routine.

I can’t help but think things actively conspire against me at times but I hope things resolve for the better for me soon. I don’t want to fall that far from grace just yet.

It's all about the presents

2010-11-17T12:03:00.004Z

Christmas. The time of sharing and togethern- blah blah blah. Now, presents, the question that is sometimes asked is 'What do you get the man who has everything?' Good question and sometimes I can really feel like that person. No, not because I have everything but because well, I can convince myself that I don't really need whatever if someone were to ask me what do I want as a present. I would like a lot of things that I see in shops really, I've seen new games and thought I wouldn't mind that and then while I'm thinking that I immediately convince myself that I don't need it. It's worked well for me throughout the years really especially when it came to games consoles, I got my PS2 late as I convinced myself I didn't need it and then got a Gamecube as it was much cheaper at the time and had many a good time with that. Then the PS2 got really cheap and that's when I decided to get in on it and it saved me a lot of money, plus I didn't really miss out on the games on the PS2 as I simply just played on Lee's one. Come the next generation and I did exactly the same thing with the Wii and I was originally going to purchase a Playstation but I decided to get a 360 and it was worth it. Right after I was doing with the Wii (still have it though).

Anyway, not just games consoles but with things such as mobile phones, I do not need to upgrade my phone every month even if there's a 'better' version of it or whatever, nor am I in need of the latest must have phone like the iPhone or whatnot, I'm happy with the phone that I have and will be for a long long time, the only reason I got it was because my previous Nokia phone was actually just unusable so a new phone was needed.

So when I'm asked what do I want for Christmas? Seriously, I could list about a million things I'd want and be interested in...whether I need it though is a different matter.

It doesn't help matters that if I do have to choose, I find it very hard to pick one above another, one that I want more than the others, no favourites and all that and then no doubt I'll end up disappointed, but not because of the gift but because I'll spend my time thinking 'should I have chosen something else instead?'

So when Emily asks me what do I want for Christmas, I really many ideas and have no ideas at the same time. Ohh what to choose, what to choooooose?

Decision time...

Tried it, tried it, tried it, haven’t tried, want to try, tried it, tried it, will try it next week, tried it

2010-11-16T12:11:00.002Z

Variety is the spice of life right? I certainly think so, I think this world has many things to offer, so many challenges that trying out everything becomes a challenge in itself. I suppose it does depend on the person but for me personally in some areas I need to try a lot of things and the after a while the same things over and over will bore me or I’ll get frustrated with the lack of variety.

The things I know this applies to me involve music as I currently have over 8000 songs on my iPod and I like it like that as I will always find music to suit my mood whatever it is. Some people don’t have a lot of songs but I could never do that, I mean, I understand why some might not have loads and loads as if you just have the songs you really like then it makes sense in some way and that there’s no point in having songs you don’t like on it but me…I like all the songs or I should say most of the songs on it and the ones I truly dislike I just get rid but all in all I’m happy with the collection of songs I have on my iPod as I like to listen to a lot of different songs and genres.

Films, of course I try to watch as many different films as possible as each one is a different story and it usually takes me a long while before I can watch the same story again, usually when I’ve forgotten about it or something. On my Lovefilm account I have over 300 titles queued up which I don’t think it’s that much but considering that I’m only allowed 2 a month I end up adding to the list faster than it goes down. I must remember to upgrade my package for these winter nights as such seeing as it’ll be darker earlier (should have done this a while ago to be honest) so that I get unlimited discs an all as there’s nothing like settling down to watch a film while the coldness blows outside.

Food, despite what some people who know me may think I don’t actually have a favourite food and that something you see me eat a lot of at one point could simply just be my craving for that month, it’ll be something else another month.

I also like the fact that there are a lot of foods that I like so I can try a fair amount of things and won’t really be that fussy when it comes down to it.

I’m sure there are other things that I’ve forgotten to mention but really what I’m trying to say is that this is why I like the fact that I have such an eclectic taste as it just means I get to experience more things, of course there is a downside to it all but that’s for another day…or have I already moaned about that already? Ah well, it’s all gooood.

The Facial Bookcase

2010-11-15T17:00:00.000Z

Watched The Social Network with Emily and Megan in the cinemas the other day and I found it to be quite an enjoyable film and one I’m glad I watched. Okay yes maybe when I first heard that they were making a film about Facebook, I couldn’t help but laugh and wonder exactly how it would turn out but I’m glad that it turned out to be a good film to watch even if they took some liberties with the truth in how it started and everything but hey, you’ve got to entertain haven’t you.

I definitely prefer the albums with a lot more songs on them...depends really

2010-11-10T16:10:00.012Z

Wow, music is changing and it reflects the times as well. I've noticed it especially recently though it has been happening for a while but albums are just getting shorter and shorter. There are many reasons for this and many that have been heard before so I'm probably not exactly going to contribute any new ideas to this but here goes anyway.

The MP3 format and the fact we can now pick and choose what songs we want and then discard the rest in the metaphorical digital bin from places like iTunes and that that I guess it makes no more sense for artists to create an album with 'fillers' but for me those 'fillers' was what made the album as well and one person's idea of filler doesn't necessarily equate to another. I have many 4 and 5 star songs that a lot of people would consider to be crap tunes and rubbish but I say the same thing every single time, music is always going to be heavily subjective. I suppose people have fooled themselves into thinking you can have a 'good' and 'bad' song and there are certain qualities which make that so but for me, music is all about what is appealing to your ears. That ear worm of a pop tune that nobody you know seems to like but you yourself gets to number one on the charts yet no matter where you go or the reviews you read everyone slates it as a bad song but hang on, what defines a bad song? Surely the fact that it got to number one alone means enough people liked it to send it there? (Of course this is not counting the overexposure of certain songs or because it was featured or associated with a certain show/film/etc).

Where was I? Oh yeah album length yadda yadda...I've seen albums have just 11 songs or so and I've been sort of annoyed somewhat because while yes I understand it's quality over quantity it means I spend less time somewhat listening to it and I just love new things from artists really. The example I'm going to use here is My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy by Kanye West. I had already heard half of the album before it came out and as much as I like the album...I couldn't help feel somewhat disappointed that I had done just that and the album just didn't feel as 'new' to me when I listened to the songs in album order but I guess that's more to with me rather than the albums itself.

But there are some where I haven't heard half the album anyway and yet they have a short album length and I'm still slightly disappointed in it, why?

Because when I get bored of listening to the favourite tracks on the albums I like to give the others another chance to change my mind on them because maybe I listened to it at a bad time like I wasn't in the right mood or I was paying attention to it really but there has been many a time when a song I didn't initially like has played and it pumped me up and I paid attention and then I liked it. The best example I can think of for me in this case was Paramore's For A Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic. At first listen, I gave it 2 stars on my iPod. This was probably due to the fact I had many other song to listen to at the time and I didn't really get the chance to really listen to the song but over time the song would randomly come up and I had the chance to listen to it and over time it was bumped up to 3 stars then 4 stars and finally the coveted 5 stars on my iPod.

Anyway the last thing I'm going to talk about is critics and reviews. No I'm not going to bash them as some do genuinely including myself find them helpful as sometimes they point out things you may have not have noticed before seeing how their jobs is to 'objectively' review the song or album though how it's supposed to be objective I'll never know. I could listen to songs more critically and that but I choose not to and let songs take me away on the journey that they try to take me on regardless of whether it's done 'well' or not.

To be honest I prefer the reviewers who tries to entertain you with their reviews seeing as that's what they are setting out to do like just the other day as I clicked a link leading me to Todd in the Shadows and his review of some Beyonce songs and I found it to be amusing despite my liking for songs like Single Ladies and Irreplaceable, I could help but laugh at some of his criticisms for those songs. Not just that but others as well as some of the biggest songs in the last few years have had really poor lyrics, rhymes and other such things but hey, it's a hit song and they're getting money....a lot of money from it eh.

Music will always be a funny business to me but an interesting one nonetheless

Do something will you!

2010-11-09T13:46:00.002Z

Okaay so as I type this I am on my way to Kingsway College to pick up a prospectus and have a look around really. This is the next part of my life? Again I do question whether I will stick to this...well not stick to it but more, if I do this will I seriously know what direction I want my life to head in?

I always said that I'd want to be rich and I am not kidding when I say do actually feel I can do anything. See, the thing is with me is that I really do believe I can do anything if given the time and resources and the way I see the reasons for past failures in my life, it wasn't because I wasn't capable of doing it or that I didn't understand things really, they were more a combination of events out of my control and my own personal mentality. Now I'm not offering excuses and I hate it when people say "excuses, excuses" or any variation of that because it's not, I'm telling it like it is. You ask someone what the reason for failure is and they give you an answer, don't be so quick to dismiss it as an excuse.

Anyhoo, before going off there, basically, law is the next direction of life really. I'll be honest, I don't want to do it, I think the subject for me is dry, text heavy and not much excitement for somebody like me, but as I've figured out really from life, that's not the way world works, so what then? Well simple, if getting a law degree is going to get me higher then that's what I've got to do. If getting a law degree is going to tip the scales of life in my favour then that's really what I have to do. I may be interested in other things and want to do that but the world doesn't want that, they want this and so this I shall do. So yeah Emily, I guess you are right, I have given up on myself but to be honest, what else can I do, left to my own devices I would most likely achieve nothing and that would just be worse for you to be honest.

Anyway, enough with the downer stuff, here's something positive...umm, err, hmm, don't actually know, maybe next time I'll have something positive to say or maybe it'll be more ranting oh well, we'll see.

Just a little odd

2010-11-08T13:40:00.001Z

Oooookay, so enough pussyfooting around and let me just jump straight into my grievance today and that would be with society's perception of what weird is.

Ask anyone what it means to be a bit weird and they will tell you that it's something strange, odd, different or basically against expectations. But you see, what exactly is expected of us as humans? There isn't really a guidebook on how to live or anything such as that in fact if anything the only rules really I think are the rules that keep you alive...that's if you are wanting to stay alive. You know, stuff like eating, drinking, sleeping. Don't get that, you die, simple as that, everything else is just a bonus really, how to speak? Not necessary for survival, what music to listen to? Your choice affects not how alive you are. Who to love? Again, just add ons.

Now another thing also is that everyone has a life, that is their own and that live is yours to do with it what you choose. No-one asks to be born, no-one choose when they wish to be alive but seeing as you cannot affect or choose that, you may as well choose and affect how you want to live your life, keyword being 'your'.

I don't know, maybe it's just me but I tend to notice there's a lot of interference in your lives as you live it, I am not talking about like when parents tell you not to touch that thing or you'll burn yourself or when they choose what school you go to and that...although...Anyway, I was thinking more about society and what it means to be 'cool' and 'weird' and other such labels. This also goes with expectations and such because why should other people dictate what music you like, what shows you watch, how you dress, who you like, when in fact it's actually you life? If they want someone that is so and so then why can't they just be that person themselves rather than wanting someone else to do so?.

Now, about the who you love thing, this is an especially annoying thing for me as there is a stigma around certain aspects of it such as who you are attracted to, what gender you're attracted to and so forth.

It's not the hate for them that I dislike intensely as people are free to hate who they want to hate, who am I to tell someone what they should like and dislike, who is anybody to do that really. What galls me is that I quite frankly find the logic of some people's reasoning of hating people like that shocking.

In case it hasn't been figured out, this is really about people attracted to the same sex especially males really, can't really say much about females to comment that much about it. Anywa- in fact, that's another thing, some of the males that are hugely homophobic have absolutely no problem with lesbians and rather find them a turn on but hold on...isn't that just hypocritical? No-one is saying you have to enjoy two men kissing but it just seems rather foolish to be homophobic in that way when you get the same enjoyment if it were two women.

"Ohhh, but it's not right". Yeah, who are you to judge what's not right or not, who are you to decide the factors on all this? The world just simply does not work like that, things are what things are, that's what I say, a green square is a green square, its meaning only changes depending on the observer, that being said, the same apply to two people of the same sex kissing or whatever, it is what it is, nothing more nothing less, some will see it as being right, some will see it as being wrong.

I'm sure there are many other reasons why people may not like gay people and I'm not complaining about that as people can hate who they want to hate but to me the reasons I hear for some doing so are hypocritical and do not really make any sense.

While I’m still sane

2010-11-07T13:23:00.001Z

It’s been a year and you really have to ask yourself, what’s changed? The amount of times you say to yourself that you’ll do this and you’ll do that and your life begins now but really what’s changed? Everything is pretty much the same in ways, guess you just don’t have the mentality to really further yourself as that’s all that is stopping you. Guess you know the true meaning to brilliant but lazy.

The stench of love is in the air…smells like bacon

2010-09-22T18:13:00.001+01:00

It mystifies me how in TV shows relationships don’t last long, ok, it’s not that that mystifies me but the fact that it usually ends because of one simple problem that could have been cleared up if the people had just said what they meant in the first place rather than speaking in cryptic codes so that one person misunderstands and confusion occurs and…they inevitably break up or whatever. I personally don’t like getting involved in people’s relationships because I feel in a group of friends enough people stick their noses and meddle in the affairs of other people that it just becomes a relationship not just with the partner him/herself but with the partner’s friends, family and anyone else who cares to get involved.

This not to say I’m a private person, I’m done with that. But I just don’t go round bringing up my relationship in every third sentence. Some people do and that’s their prerogative but just because I don’t that’s not to say that I don’t care about it or that I don’t want to talk about it just people get it mistaken for an act of privacy or that I’m uncomfortable about it when I don’t say much about relationships

I have observed some stuff about them so I present the 3 C’s to relationships, this also counts for friendships as well but I was thinking about relationships this time.

Commitment

You can tell a relationship is just a quick fling one or more persons don’t show enough commitment. This is not to say that you should ‘tie yourself down’ with the first partner you get but I see in these sitcoms and stuff how one is taking it seriously with the other is just treating it in a different way and so they see the relationship differently and they don’t put in enough commitment into the relationship.

When one sees the relationship as all fun and games and will treat it the same way unless the other feels the same way too then it’s just a recipe for disaster because if one doesn’t really see the relationship going anywhere then I’ve never understood why they persist but I guess that makes them them.

Compromise

Everyone is different and everyone wants different things and so it is quite understandable how this might affect a relationship but sometimes a little compromise can go a long way. Failure to compromise and understand just sets the scene for massive confrontations and arguments which sometimes puts a strain on a relationship. I’ve seen it in these shows where person A who I’m going to call Charlie wants something and person B who I’m going to call Jamie (hurrah for unisex names) doesn’t want it and either just gives in or they’ll just not do it. So if Charlie wants to go to a party, clubbing a night out whatever and Jamie doesn’t, they’ll have this loooooong argument about what to do and so on, cut to a later scene and the Charlie who went out bemoaning the fact that Jamie doesn’t want to spend time with them has slept with someone they met while going out and then the storyline drags on until they find out at a later stage (Christmas if you live in Walford), then there are tears and stuff all because Charlie and Jamie couldn’t reach a compromise.

I watch this happen so many times in the media and I think to myself “well, if they really understood the other person’s feelings on the matter a solution could be agreed with less animosity. Jamie doesn’t have to go out at all but Jamie does need to understand why Charlie might want to, how Charlie’s personality is that makes it so that Charlie wants to go out. The same applies to Charlie in the understanding Jamie’s behaviour. If they understood each others feelings and personality then maybe whatever ever decision they decide to do whether it’s they both stay in or go out or they do their separate things without the hostility, it doesn’t put a strain of some sort where one person feels that themselves or the other person is being too demanding.

It certainly would go a long way in improving the relationship of many seen in different mediums.

Communication

“Loc, is he available for coh-myoo-nee-kay-shun?”

Baring in mind that these are NOT facts or even me saying that people should do these things, everyone is different hence have their own way of dealing with things and events

Me giving relationship advice? Now the world has gone topsy turvy, but seriously? Communication. Things would be so much better if people communicated a lot more.

I turn to a time leech website on all the different ways that communication can break down and it’s mostly the kind of situation where you’re shouting at the screen “JUST TELL HER YOU LOVE ALREADY!” in a frustrated manner but they never do and they don’t know how the other person feels or whatever and it becomes a case of Poor Communication Kills and then it drags on and on and on and on (bit like my blog posts), they’ll get each other in the end or if it’s going for the other direction, one will find out the other’s feelings when it’s too late and I just think…we could have avoided all this.

The same thing applies I think to relationships, there are times when one person is hmm, how shall I put it? Not best pleased with the other person but rather than communicate this in a calm manner that can prompt a bit of discussion and that, they end up holding it in a taking it out on the other person which just leads to resentment growing in the relationship which eventually spills out and can damage a relationship.

Sometimes I think that to communicate in a calm, reasonable manner is certainly the way to go as it does avoid a lot of drama. See it’s quite easy for me to say this as my head rules over my heart and my emotions are…hmm, probably in check a lot of the times and though admittedly through practise I am less prone to outbursts of anger and the likes. But I do understand that that might not be easy for everyone and that sure sometimes emotions get the better of you but if a partner can understand that and thus react accordingly then relationships in my opinion would be a hell of a lot smoother.

Of course there are more things that works in a relationship and that every relationship is different and thus there cannot be a one size fits all guide to it but I reckon that in some cases the ‘three C’s’ is a good way to go by.

Today I woke up and then I realised it was just the same as yesterday

2010-09-22T18:11:00.001+01:00

So anyway I’m back with this thing, and as you can see I’m still alive, ah but are you sure of that maybe it’s my ghostly spirit writing all this though I do have to wonder if my ghostly spirit did come back to roam the earth I’m sure it would do something a lot more productive than updating this blog. Now it is September and life is umm, still not how I’d imagined the high life but hey, I’m still working on that, anyway, ohh, speaking about life I did have a little ponder about life really (when do I not do that?) and while yes the situation is dire and hopeless etc, best not to worry about it at times. I’ve just been job hunting and as soul crushing as that is, there’s really not much else to do really, is there.

I’d like to say that I’m going to start being all cheerful and all but that’s a lie really but bleh. I’m thinking about all the stuff that I could do really and that, just looked up some of the old songs I wrote and I was thinking about actually finishing them because after singing it to myself…in my head, I found I actually liked them, just wished I was any decent enough to actually do something about it. I did try some new ones and to start on some new ones but the more I thought about it the more I thought, what do I really want to talk about? Because I personally would only write songs or heck do anything that I identify with in a way. I write them for me really so the message has to be something I believe in, it has to be fitting to my personality really. Not just writing lyrics but in all aspects of life. I’m just not the typical sort of person really and everything has to be…well…me. I won’t dress up a try to be someone else, heck if I see something I like, I like it, if there’s a song I like, then I’m liking it. The same applies to TV shows, films, cars (even though I care not for them), games, everything, If I like it, then I like it and I think that’s something that really should apply to everyone, people should be less worried what others think but I know that will never really be that easy. People are going to naturally associate objects and things with an identity and it doesn’t help that those people perpetuate that belief and it then it just makes people believe it even further.

So anyway like I said I’m back? Not and umm…enjoy not reading it I guess, not that anyone checks these things.

Coming Soon

2010-09-12T13:33:00.001+01:00

Will be back soon…

Copious amounts of angst. You have been warned

2010-07-23T15:48:00.001+01:00

I have a massive headache, I feel like throwing up, dizziness, and I feel awful just in general. I’m also struggling to breathe and I just feel like breaking down.

This was about one hour ago before I started this and then I had so many thoughts rushing to my head at even on the journey to the library, I’m feeling a little bit better as I’m typing this but that’s because I’m not directly thinking about my problems…I say “my” problems but I’m not convinced that it is all me.

I have been feeling this way for quite some time albeit not as bad as an hour ago. But as I stop to really think about things and I mean, really really think about things, I think…why?

Just why?

I actually wish I was ignorant and that because quite frankly things would be a lot easier if I didn’t have the sort of personality that I currently possess. It’s not as simple as saying, change it or something because it’s how I naturally think about things, okay then so why not change the way you think then? Again that isn’t so simple and it depresses me even further that I should have to.

Right now, or rather that hour ago, I felt so alone and in a sense I still do feel that way. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to truly explain this to some people as I do not feel they’d understand. It’s complicated to explain, I sometimes feel that I do not have a single true friend in the world and I suppose what I am looking for is a place where I fit in. Yes it sounds all…bleh and that but I don’t feel like I belong in this world or time because, the way I think and that is “wrong” and there’s no place for people like me here.

Maybe it’s the location that I live in or the society and their views but I just feel that I want to be a sort of free thinking individual and in some ways I consider myself that, I do not refer to the person that rejects mainstream media just because they are mainstream or rebels just for the sake of doing it but the way I think is that, I want to think however I choose to think, I want to live however I choose to live, you only get just the one life and quite frankly and the end of everything it’s all for nothing so the question I ask myself every time I think like that is, ‘If it is all for nothing and that after you die, you cease to exist, then why do you want to live the way you want to? Why live in the first place?’ And to be honest, I often do think about the point of living, I contemplate it so often that I have entertained thoughts of ending it all and I think why does it matter? I’ve stood at the window of my flat and daydreamed about falling 14 storeys onto the cold hard pavement. I thought about just stopping in the middle of the road in the path of an oncoming truck or bus and just letting it ram right into me, I’ve thought about jumping onto the path of a train…but the thing is, I don’t really want to die and at the same time I don’t really care about living…not in the way society wants people to live.

Society has this idea that what happens is you’re born, you go to school, you work, you die or something along those lines and that well, let’s be honest there is a sort of negative view about people who deviate from that. Me, I get annoyed when people expect me to think in a certain way and then try and label me as weird if I don’t think the way that “should” be thought. Take family for instance, why is it that people are so insistent that there is something wrong with not liking your family and that…Ugh, that probably came out wrong, but it’s stuff like family values and things like that that just bother me, no I have no intention of wanting to visit family members if I don’t want to do such a think and yet I recall when my uncle berated me for not visiting more often. And even Emily who tells me how it’ll be sad that she’ll never really get to meet them, I sometimes just think, why would you want to? They are nothing special, if anything, she has it quite easy as I’ve heard of relationships where it’s basically stated that if you want the person you get other aspects of them such as their family, friends, work, lifestyle etc and that they come as part of a set which cannot be separated, whereas with her and me, she just gets me…just a shame that ‘me’ is a massive screw up and is just a massive anomaly in this world we call life. Okay life is stretching it a bit but at least in society.

Also work, actually it was because I was…looking for a job that I felt it all get on top of me and I thought that all this just seems extremely overwhelming and what do I even do? Even looking for information on things was just to overwhelming for me and I thought why does it seem that way to me? Why does it seem to me that everyone I know seems to know what happens in life? Why is that everyone seems to have a guidebook telling them what to do at times and stuff and then when they tell me stuff it’s as if I should know this already when in fact there is little to no reason (I feel) that I should have even known this in the first place, it’s as if there are people who know what’s going on and then there’s me, I must have missed that day when they were handing those guidebooks to life out because I sure as hell never know what’s going on at times.

It reminds me of a recurring theme in my dreams (most usually takes place in Mary Hare) in that there’s always something going on that everyone but me seems to know about such as an exam. So I spend my time in the dream only just finding out that I have an exam for a subject and I have learned nothing. It’s not as if I do not know the subject and that it’s too hard for me but to use an analogy it feels as if I have changed subject and have switched to a new subject to study one week before the exam starts.

I guess that’s how I feel about life, everyone is clued into how the game is played while I’m busy doing something else and then questioning why the game should be played like that in the first place. I suppose you could say that it’s my fault for not paying attention and all that…but then I that solves nothing, it puts the blame squarely on my feet and says if you don’t know what’s going on then tough, and proceeds to just abandon me. Now, I don’t want to be a part of society that tells me how I should feel and think about stuff…Actually I think I’m largely straying from my point, my point is that it frustrates me when people assume that others should want to get a job, when to be honest I don’t really want to but feel that I need to get one which makes perfect sense to me probably not to anybody else if anybody is reading this but that’s okay because the whole point of this blog was to talk to myself and get my thoughts out where I could see them, I said this already. Anyway, sure I would like one, I’d be nice to get extra cash seeing how cash is pointlessly needed to continue living.

Now, some would call it laziness and then treat it as if it’s a bad thing but to be honest not necessarily, I feel that when it comes to living, I don’t need the fancy stuff, I don’t need to have such a lavish lifestyle, it makes sense to me in a weird but understandable way but I am content with what I have and that I’ll make use of the tools that I have with me, if I can’t have the best looking and most shiniest tool then so be it, I will just continue to get use out of the tool that I currently have. The problem comes when society forces you to get the better tool…I swear I’ve said something similar to this but meh. Anyway society to me feels as if it forces you to play keep up and forces you to buy the shiniest gold tool because the price of the tool that you are currently using is now going up and there are no better alternatives.

Anyway I’ve kinda lost steam here after getting distracted by…stuff and I’ll probably finish this off whenever the feeling hits me again, until then.

Some thoughts and Dream Journal 3.5

2010-07-10T23:21:00.001+01:00

Okay, seeing as it's summer, this month will probably be a write off and that I'll hardly update it this month for reasons like I can't be arsed to do it, but I did think of something while I was lying in the dark, listening to Bass Head Jazz by Cee-Lo Green (writing this on my phone too) and that was why I didn't really update things as often and I believe it's because right now in my world I'm kind of happy...well I say kind of but I'd say I'm feeling happy and when I'm happy I don't think about things as much and that I just drift and float along with things.

But right now I have a chance to reflect on things. I was talking about my knee with Emily earlier today and I mentioned how I might have not been so worried about it and that it was a relief for me to actually be injured and in some ways that is true as I used to believe and even felt like I could do anything with my body and just push it through barriers if you will because the way my body operated. I have never broken a bone, my metabolism has been satisfactory and apart from food poisoning which I recovered from very quickly I have never really suffered from a major illness so I've never really had to be careful with these things. But when I got the call from my physiotherapist about my recent MRI scan confirming that I had a large tear in my meniscus it...well, just gave me mixed emotions as finally I could get a decent rest and all but at the same time I'm worried that I'll never be back to the person I was before it started in the first place.

I did think it was slightly amusing though that for me personally I didn't really perform to the best of my ability and that I was playing with one metaphorical hand behind my back and I still managed to play at a decent level, so I'm comforted by the fact that if it ever does get sorted out then I could potentially go back to being just unstoppable and comfortable with my movement rather than fearing that moving in a certain way will cause my knee to lock or whatever as it wasn't a comfortable feeling. I reflected also on the fact that it has been 2 years and a bit since the first incident happened and I couldn't help worrying if I made it worse and that I should have sorted it out earlier but the more I think about it, the more I think that nothing really could be done about it despite people's insistence that I do something about it as the GP cannot feel what I feel despite being useless and not referring me to an actual physiotherapist until I kept complaining. Okay maybe I'm being a bit harsh but it really did annoy me when I tried to explain that it cannot be fobbed with painkillers and a elastic knee protector when playing football because it would occur at anytime, heck, the last time it happened was because I was sitting down on a bench. Another time was when I was laying down on my stomach and was getting up to stand up and another time was when my leg was bent for too long. What was I supposed to do? Wear it for the rest of my life? Gah!

Anyway, I suppose I should think of some positive stuff at the moment and that is that I shall be visiting my soulmate's house for around week tomorrow, but I have today to get through and that will be spent doing things so the good thing is that there won't be the usual 'long and protracted' night before the event as I'll be doing things so hopefully by the end of the day I'll actually be too tired to stay awake and will actually sleep at a reasonable time but this always happens at times like this. I really should head off to sleep right about now as I have to get up to go and look after Jaden so I should set an alarm but I think I'm going to just see what happens and rely on my body clock waking me up at a decent time. In the meantime I hope I have another one of my crazy dreams, last night I dreamt I was playing a football match against the current Brazilian team in Hargrave Park inside the building this time and afterwards we had a massive BBQ (also in the building) where lots of different types of meat were available for the eating (a vegetarian's nightmare) and I was busy trying to find 'good' pieces of sausages, burgers, bacon etc to put onto my bun (Emily, you should think of when you choose which pieces of chips to eat) and I could find very few, after acquiring some meat for my buns I poured ketchup and just as I was about to insert all that fat into my body, I wake up...never get to eat food in my dreams. Ah well.

Songs I listened to while writing this post.

Bass Head Jazz- Cee-Lo
Dancing In The Dark- Solange
I'd Wait For Life- Take That
Robocop- Kanye West
Cry Me A River- Justin Timberlake
Love Somebody- Ace Hood ft Jeremih
So Far To Go- Common ft D'Angelo
Cosmic Journey- Solange ft Bilal
Busted- Isley Brothers ft R Kelly, JS
Why Does She Stay- Ne-Yo
Trouble- Coldplay

June 2010 roundup

2010-06-30T23:19:00.000+01:00

Well, July has arrived and the hot weather continues and due to the World Cup not much really got done during June except for some arguments but everything ended up being resolved.

Started off the month though by spending time at Emily’s place which are just the highlights of my life really and will be looking forward to my next visit. The time we get to see each other as we’ve discussed has pros and cons and we’ve kind of had to just put up with it as that’s the situation that we are in. I am relaxed about it seeing as I know that we have a lifetime together and that the lack of time we get to be together at the moment will only serve to make the actual moment of when we do finally get to live together all the more sweeter.

Ahh, books, now see, have really slowed this down for a bit although I’m reading Death Note, I read that in a different way than I would do the books borrowed from libraries and others so it’s a different amount of energy I have to put into reading that coupled with the fact that there’s no pressure or time limit for me to read it as now I finally own all of the manga in the series. As for the books I have read this month, those would be Mort, Small Gods, Hogfather and started on Soul Music but haven’t gotten round to resuming it as of yet but I hope to as I really need to get onto Shutter Island before I reach the maximum times I can renew it.

DVDs and films are boiled down to just Ghost Town (which I saw at Emily’s), Futurama Season 2 Episodes 6-19, Bolt and Tenchi Muyo Episode 6-9.

Not exactly been much in comparison to previous months but I have the football to thank for that, not that I wouldn’t want to watch it, only comes round every 4 years and this is the only one where I actually have the time to watch every single match as previous World Cups were during school time so it wouldn’t have been practical.

Still, nothing really exciting going in on in my life just taking it a day at a time and this time next year I hope to be actually doing something of note, still that’s a while off, for now, I’m just going to take advantage of the time given to me at the moment.

No, I do not require cheese to go with this whine thank you very much

2010-06-28T03:51:00.000+01:00

Well now, England have been knocked out of the World Cup, that’s good, I shalln’t go on about this as I’m just sitting in the back while soaking in a lot of people’s overreactions, delusions of grandeur and realistic views on this and anyway, I quite frankly have bigger things on my mind.

Now, this is going to come across as very whiny and in some respects maybe it is but whatever and all that.

Today I had a massive blow to my confidence and self esteem somewhat and it hurts me. Maybe seeing a shrink or someone would actually be the best solution for myself or something because I don’t know know. Some things I’m sure about and others I am not so sure of. The reason why I feel like I like to read up about things such as MBTI tests and the likes I think is because of the…“answers” it provides for me. Uncertainty is something that I don’t enjoy and as was my personal message on MSN messenger for a while, I eschew obfuscation. I think I might have said earlier about how this whole MBTI thing and for me I think that it is my coping mechanism in that it explains so many things to me and answers a lot of questions about who I am. It’s a bit like people believing in god, it is their way of dealing with that uncertainty.

As far as I’m concerned there profile of an INTP describes me a lot, using my experiences, my upbringing and my personality, it answers so much for me and it really made me happy that there was a reasonable and very good explanation as to why I was such a fuck up but bad in the way that it confirmed to me that yes, I was a bit of a fuck up at least in a lot of people’s eyes.

Now generalisation has popped into my head and I think that to say that the description of the INTP types is generalising is largely missing the point or about the MBTI in the first place, it’s about perception. I am not saying that it shall explain a persons every action or that it will say that at this situation these people will do this as everything is subjective but it has explained a lot of how I’ve felt at certain times and stuff.

Me, I think for me to be the way that I am is bad in a lot of people’s eyes and the more I read up about this stuff the more I feel that it gives me something to hold onto in some ways.

I’ll stop blabbering and get straight to the point now because I feel like I’m doing that.

Now I know that Emily sees them as excuses and I don’t know what to say to this but I feel it is more of an explanation and a way of understanding my behaviour at times, things can always change, for some people this is easy or others not so easy. it does give a guideline as to wait certain natural tendencies are, it will not apply to everyone but I know when I feel that one applies to me. I’m supposed to be interested computer software and programming but that stuff bores me, what I will say is that I am interested in how certain things work hence my interest in psychology and love to hear about theories and ideas and will gladly share my views with anyone who I feel really wants to hear.

The bad thing about it for some is that I can tend to analysis every little thing and I do understand that it is to the displeasure of some people and that I can become fixated on an idea and that like a steamroller it takes time to gather momentum and then once going it can be very difficult to stop. I love it when people want to genuinely what to hear my views on things and are prepared to contribute with their own ideas and perspective, the problem is that when someone doesn’t want to hear my views or just ridicules and rubbishes my views then it knocks a lot of wind out of my sails hence my reluctance to state my views on things.

Selfish, probably, I like being heard and people listening to me and actually showing interest in the words I speak…as I type that I think of the times I have been around friends I know be it by going to their house or by meeting blasts from the pasts, I find that I will just go on and on and just talk and even when I’m talking I’m realising how much I am just talking and it is usually at those moments when I just trail off and stop, highlighted even more so when the person I was talking to doesn’t respond in a very…how should I put it? An encouraging way then I get the feeling that I shouldn't have said anything and that I mat as well have kept my mouth shut.

I noticed it today when I was talking to Eamon and he asked what I thought about some of the football and some players and I went on for quite a bit but yet I was encouraged to keep going as he put his own views at times and I did as well. Someone like Lee however, I am always confused, sometimes I just go on and on about something and then when I stop, his face and reaction is blank which then I think to myself did he even listen to what I said? No, maybe he just didn’t care, in fact I don’t remember him asking me about it in the first place and then I just go back to saying nothing.

My self-esteem and confidence in myself is I believe not solid and fluctuates wildly at times to times, sometimes I will have high self-esteem and will believe in myself and the words I’m saying but it’s pretty easy at other times to make me doubt myself and the things I stand for. It doesn’t help when certain people admit that they kind of tune me out when I do starting talk and just…go along with what I say because it doesn’t show to me that my words have been taken in that time.

This was evident whenever I played football in school and a bit after school. I think maybe because the way I saw football, it wasn’t that I was a bad loser or that I wanted to win at all costs but rather I’m quite the logical person and like to believe that if people played smarter rather than harder things would be a lot more efficient. Pick the pass rather than attempting to shoot for oneself or when you cannot go forward pass it backwards and this reflects in a lot of things I do. Mistakes are things I can handle, everyone makes mistakes, but I never understood why people could be so illogical at times and it really frustrated me. Nowadays I am more aware of certain things and have changed my view due to experiences and so forth in that I don’t get angry often when I play football. Yes I do get frustrated at certain events but now I genuinely believe that people are taking what they think the best option to be and that they are intending to do what will benefit the team.

I can also apply this to life experiences to but I won’t as I see that I’ve talked for quite a while actually in this post.

I think another of my “weaknesses” is that I am not really good at letting things go and that I can hold onto things far longer than necessary and others I can just drop things altogether just like that.

Today I upset Emily and she upset me, I genuinely felt that when she told me that she didn’t want to hear what I’ve got to say that I was punched in the stomach and was winded so I couldn’t bring myself to speak about certain things as I felt that she wouldn’t care and that she doesn’t want to hear it. I wondered if she would want to ask me about my opinion on something or what was on my mind but I didn’t get it until way late into the day about 3 hours ago when I mentioned that I wasn’t feeling good.

Maybe it was the hot weather and maybe it did bother her a bit and that I was making things worse, it upset me that I genuinely felt useless when I asked something and she replied that she wouldn't tell me because she felt she was repeating myself and she was getting annoyed with me for it. I doubt she was more annoyed at me than I was at myself for my failure to take things in. Not only this but I was told to read a few texts ago I felt extremely sick, why? Because I was stressed out that she was angry at me and that took a massive knock on me.

I tried hard and hard to forget it and just to move on when I started texting again and it was eating at me that before I could do no wrong and now flaws and cracks about about me were showing up everywhere and now suddenly to her I wasn’t so perfect after all.

I’ve gone on for far too long here so I’ll stop but what I will say is that, to everyone as they grow older and meet new acquaintances and friends, you’ll meet people that seem to just get on well with everyone, people that act like the mentor and that they are just someone to look up to, you’ll meet all sorts in the journey of life but no matter what there’s always that one person that just annoys you with everything they do. It starts off small but then you realise that their flaws become more and more and more apparent to you and the way the speak becomes annoying, their views to things becomes annoying and then just their general presence starts becoming extremely irritating and that you cannot really stand being around that person.

I’ve never liked these people but now I fear I’ve become that person to everyone I’ve met including my own family.

My Sunshine

2010-06-27T02:58:00.001+01:00

Strange isn’t it?

What’s strange? I don’t know but it seemed like something you’d start one of these things with, I wasn’t actually what was strange. I could have said it was strange the instances that we met it how it was strange how were alike or whatever but I didn’t. In fact I’m not even sure what I’m even trying to achieve with this post and all but I just finished one earlier and just decided on a whim to do this.

Right now at the time at this time it is…err…let’s just call this, very late and you are asleep having gone to sleep annoyed at me. Maybe you calmed down a bit just before going to sleep but I cannot tell due to the fact that I cannot see body language and tone of voice in text but what can you do?

You didn’t want to hear what I think and I’m sorry so I guess it’s just given me something to mull over and to write down on here especially considering that I haven’t really wrote much in my blog recently (always seems to pick up around the end of the month and the start of the next but then go missing in action during the middle).

I don’t know about things but I like to speculate and imagine stuff. I have no idea where I’m going with this seeing as I’m tired and I’m probably going to sleep very soon so I’m going to just get down as much as I can and I keep forgetting the purpose of these blogs and that was to talk to myself about things but right now I feel I have been talking to you. I’m going to stop that right after the end of this paragraph as if I wanted to talk to you like this I would have done it in a text or on Facebook or something of some sort. Right now I need to talk to me about you.

“So, Emily huh”
“Yep indeed.”
”Remember that time and then after which you said that you’d do anything for her happiness, do you think you’ve done that? Do you think that you’ve made her happy whenever you could?”
“Maybe sometimes I have and sometimes I haven’t. I do try and achieve just that”
“ I know you do but personally I think it’s hard you know? She doesn’t get to see you very much and no doubt that fact is harder for her than it is for you”
“Yeah, something I’d do well to never forget”
“And it doesn’t really help that you have a natural tendency to absolve yourself from blame and you are a bit resistant to change in some ways…You tell yourself that your…"flaws" are just character traits, things that you naturally do and it’s because of that I think it’s harder at times.”

Didn’t you read about INTPs and how things that might be so blatantly obvious to you that it just feels redundant to say it at all. I’m glad you’ve improved that certain side of you as yes, it might seem so obvious that you love her and that yes, you do think she is beautiful despite her attempts to put herself down but like you were just thinking a moment before you typed this sentence, the way your brain works and the way that you view the world isn’t the same line of thinking as others and hence while it might feel…weird and redundant to say something sometimes others might not know what you’re thinking and sometimes even go as far to think the complete opposite (sometimes your actions contribute to this as well), tell her that you think she is gorgeous more often, let her know that you do care what she is doing at the moment, tell him that he’s an utter and quite frankly despicable bastard and you loathe their guts and believe them to be superficial…ok maybe not the last one so much but yeah it is obvious about these matters but sometimes it is only obvious to you and to be honest it can make you seem a bit…nope I don’t have the word but I’m sure something'll turn up sooner or later.

So anyway when you wake up tomor- today in about 7 hours time, just remember to stay calm and be patient, it’ll benefit you in the long run after all, who else would put up with your character and I’m not going to leave that as a rhetorical question and I’m going to answer it right now. The answer is no-one.

What to think about

2010-06-27T01:59:00.001+01:00

So what is going on in my life right now? What’s occupying your mind right now hmm? I suppose it is a good thing you haven’t really wrote much recently on here as it can only mean that you’re occupying yourself with things so you haven’t really had time to just sit down and think and think deeply about life and what it really is all about, heck I’ve been so busy with things that I still haven’t really gotten round to reading the books that I have from the library and Soul Music is due on Monday unfortunately so I guess that’s another book renewing if it hasn’t already been reserved.

Nothing seems to be sticking into my mind at the moment, maybe it’s due to the World Cup but I suppose I haven’t really had time to think about life matters and think introspectively about why humans are such an annoyance to me and let it get me down despite being on forums where the most obnoxious of individuals lie. I suppose I like to hear other people’s views on certain matters but at the same time I don’t actually care and why should I? As long as I’m certain of my view then why does it matter what others think, however there is a difference between just being stubborn and sticking to your own beliefs. There’s no reason not to consider all the options and then to use that to form the basis of your opinion or change of it in fact sometimes some people are just so resistant to change that it then can sometimes becomes a problem.

I probably should head to sleep seeing as I cannot think straight and just stick to anything, I don’t know whether it’s because I’m a bit hyped up over the Ghana win and the last episode of the series in Doctor Who which made me want more but I really was in a good mood and for a bit nothing really mattered, there were things to look forward to, events to anticipate and that is a feeling quite like no other and I think when I have that feeling I like to be around others seeing as I’ll be happy and better make the most of it before…before…before I come crashing down.

And so it begins…

2010-06-12T10:40:00.001+01:00

After four years since the last World Cup this one begins with quite a cracking game between South Africa and Mexico with both of them sharing the points in a 1-1 draw, it was a pretty good starting match though I suspect they’ll be better opening matches later on and France was definitely not one of them with their 0-0 draw against Uruguay.

France was absolute crap in that match, no denying that they have good players but Ribery and Anelka lost possession so many times trying to take on too much and dribble rather than go for for the easier option. The line-up was a bit weird and the 4-5-1 formation clearly did not work, so why the manager persisted with the tactics for so long was a mystery (though we’re talking about a manager that uses astrology to choose his players, sooo…) and should have changed it about or made a substitution to switch the play up a bit. I hope France do better next match but it doesn’t help when there’s so much conflict within the camp.

Tonight Argentina play Nigeria and after that England play USA so there’s two games to look forward to, just hope it doesn’t turn out to be an anticlimactic affair.

Eclectic taste? You better recognise II

2010-06-12T09:03:00.001+01:00

Music is serious business. Considering that it’s just various sounds all put together sometimes accompanied with vocals which we recognise as speech.

What’s brought on this rant? Just reading someone’s reasoning on why rap is crap.
Now, I am not ranting because I feel the need to defend hip-hop/rap music but rather the idiocy of what they said would have prompted this whether they had said country music, pop, trance or rock music was crap, it’s just that rap seems to get most of the shit for this sort of stuff.

Now I don’t like hip-hop/rap as a whole (but then again I don’t like music very much), heck, I’m not even sure how it can be defined as a whole as it is far to diverse to simply generalise like that and I just prefer to just listen to the song rather than what artist it is or what genre it is and there are quite a lot of times if not nearly every time I cannot really relate to the song because the messages certain artists are giving out or rather, how I’m perceiving the message isn’t one that I can connect to in any way. As the attackers would put it, “Rap is only about guns, drugs, being misogynistic and how big their penis is”. A sense of macho-ness where the belief is bigger is better. But that’s stupid, not ever song is like that and quite frankly why does it bother them so much? There are some who relate to this sort of music, no, any sort of music, someone out there will relate to it. Whether it’s the lyrics, the artist, the emotions it provokes or whatever, someone is going to feel a connection with it.

Besides music is just music, there is no rule or strict definition to what music is, music can be found anywhere and people will like some form of music and people will dislike other forms.

One of my pet peeves is when I hear people say such stuff like rap is whack, pop is mindless droning, rock is just noise or what I hear constantly “Their old stuff was better and all the new stuff sucks”. It bores me when I see debates based on things that are completely subjective and down to an individual’s taste in music, you don’t like it! I get it! But that doesn’t mean that the music is rubbish, we are all different and our experiences and thoughts and many other factors such as our way of thinking play a part in what sort of music we like, I don’t think that it’s ingrained in us from birth what sort of music we like, that idea to me is preposterous and I think in a way if you criticise a genre of music or an artist or whatever then at the same time you criticise a way of life, someone’s way of thinking which to me is slightly ignorant.

This is not to say that we should like every single music or anything like that as people will not like every piece of music played, there even some songs I just do not like but what I think people need to be more mindful of is that really, it boils down to personal preference. There’s a difference between you yourself not liking a song/artist/genre simply because you just don’t like it and not liking a song/artist/genre and believing that anybody who likes it ought to be shot (as some would say) and genuinely believing that it is ‘bad’ music.

Ah well, such is the way of the human race.